someone said to me the other day something along the effects of i’m more ‘one of the guys’ than just another chick. this got me thinking… why is this so? sure, some would argue nature vs nurture and all that that entails, but i believe it falls down to both categories.

i’ve never really liked girls or been one that feels that i need to hang in a huge clique of girls. i remember playing more with the boys and liking blocks and cars, toys that are stereotypically male. i guess it probably has always been nature that made me a bit of a tomboy.

personally, i cant stand those groups of giggling loud girls. i can’t blame them of course; its their nature. (don’t get me wrong though; i did have female friends. however, i always felt more comfortable around boys). the question to ask: why am i not one of those girls? why is it that i cant stand them? this, i believe, falls into nurture/environment category.

i guess one of the things i havent talked about before is how when i was in school i was systematically tortured (through immense emotional and some physical abuse) by girls. it was these same cliques of girls who would band together like a pack of rabid giggling and glittery hyenas and attack anyone, both those in and outside of their pack. i was no exception to this rule.

however, my ‘girl trouble’ didnt just start and end with those in my peer group, but also with those who i considered good friends. i learned quickly with some of my female friends, even close ones, that they would have no problems using you. i never was a friend, but a tool to many of my so-called friends. i would be used as a bank (they were my friends, i had no problem with giving whatever money i had in my pocket. it would be pointed out to my by other friends that some were taking advantage of me, something i didnt realize until i got older), a place-holder (someone to sit or stand with in a group, so they wouldn’t look alone), or just someone to compare to (sadly, a few friends looked down their noses at me just in order to make themselves feel bigger).

behaviour such as this was something i never experienced around my male peers, who were so much more laid back and had some sense of loyalties. after the daily drama of being around girls, it was so refreshing to be around a boy who would just tell you what they thought with no secret or hidden agenda. (a younger male will never have trouble telling you what they think of you. it seems like it is not until they get older that they learn to lie in order to tiptoe around the female insecurities and emotions). i think that this was what started my deviation from being ‘one of the girls’ to ‘one of the guys.’ i would rather hang out with people who would say “yeah, you’re a jerk” and treat you like they knew you were a jerk, than to hang out with people who would pretend to be your best friend and backstab you the moment you turned around by spreading vicious rumors and lies. it just so happened that the first group of people are typically males and the second group of people are typically females.

even to this day i notice females (i hate to call them women, because it implies adulthood, confidence, maturity that these chicks just dont have) that still fall into their packs of glittery giggling hyenas. thankfully, my eyes have been open a bit more since the days of primary and secondary schools. i see them for what they are and i just cant seem to force myself to fall into what it means to be female in this day and age.

while i write this, i think.. it does go a bit beyond nature vs. nurture but into the very being of stereotyping the sexes. after being silent for so many years and taking crap from so many females, well, one day i just snapped and said i had enough of it. unfortunately, that snap also occurred with a crack and a girls bloody nose. violence, of course, being strictly a male thing to do. girls aren’t suppose to get into physical fights. i guess this would be considered the day i severed all of my ties or any hopes of ever being ‘one of the girls.’ it was right around that time that i realized i should stand up for myself and speak out more. i realized i didnt want to be the wallflower that everyone smeared shit on. it was like someone flicked a light switch that made me realize i could just say “fuck this shit!” good girls, as we know, do not swear.

another turning event at this time was my slipping into that school category of ‘goth.’ (not the whiny, mopey, poetry writing kind, but give me a black outfit, some steel-toed boots, and my marilyn manson cds and i was good to go). again, this did not help me align myself with the girls. girls do not wear black or steel-toed boots or listen to manson; thats more of the of stereotypical male metal rocker. of course by the time i was most into this was the time of columbine. with my previous act of violence at school, one person (a male; oh such a straightforward and honest male!) did openly question me about it and if i would do something similar. yeah… girls do not go and commit massive acts of violence at school. not that i would ever do this or even ever thought of it… it just goes to illustrate that those around me were starting to see me more as a male than a female.

by 9th grade, i pretty much had a metaphorical penis. for all intents and purposes, i was square in the middle of ‘one of the guy’ territory. ive been there ever since. i could bemoan how i’m not girly enough. if i cut my hair any shorter, i’m sure i would look like a bull dyke. i try and be more girlish; get my nails done, put on make up, attempt to love clothes shopping, but its just not me. id rather spend my money and time on video games or sci-fi movies.

i am entrenched in ‘one of the guys’ land… i might as well enjoy it: kick back, have a stiff drink and a smoke, be crass, and enjoy the fact that i’m not a silly glittery giggling hyena.