so its that time in my life again when everything is starting to change.  last night was my last official class night with NAU.  i start my student teaching in january and graduate in may.

after class last night, my cohort and i went to a local bar for karaoke. it was a lot of fun hanging out with everyone in an informal setting. i drank too much, but i dont think i mad too much of an ass out of myself. the highlight of the night was my tipsy best friend hitting on a lesbian there who said “yeah, i would do you if you’re friend would join us” (meaning me!)

i woke up today a little achy; alcohol and my IIH dont go well together. its why i dont drink that often.  but really, i woke up today sad with a deep realization that the friends and associates ive made, i will most likely not see again. three people are doing their student teaching in other districts. i dont think anyone is going to the graduation ceremony. at least three people are talking about moving out of state after graduation.

i made two/three really close friends. one has really become my best friend. for me, that is a lot of people to call friends and i never really had a real best friend before; its big. i know of those three, two i most likely will not see again since they’re not from town and will be in other districts. my best friend is in town and will be in my school district, but i just have this fear that our friendship will slip away like all the rest.

im scared that when student teaching starts ill find out that i cant cut it. im afraid that if i end up doing really well with my student teaching and i find out that i absolutely love teaching, that i wont be able to get a job because school districts around here will be laying off.

for the first time in a long, long time, i feel really scared and really uncertain.

so ive been emailing a teacher from one of the near-by schools and have been setting up times / days to go and do my practicum work.  its going to be in the mornings since afternoons are dedicated to specials (music,  gym, etc).

ive been starting to look are more clothes. its dawning on me that im going to need a lot of new stuff for school.. i have clothes (obviously), but not many teacherly clothes.  i went out to kohls the other day and i bought 3things; two dresses and a brown shrug. it came to $30. i got everything on sale. it wasnt until the next day that i realized that one outfit (dress + shrug) was $99 if they werent on sale. two things for a hundred dollars!  i looove kohls clearance section. im already hitting jim up to go up to the valley on sunday and do the rounds of kohls to see what else i can find.

i remember reading an article a few weeks ago about how to maximize your career wardrobe by buying neutral colors (whites, blacks, grays, browns, navys) and to have tons of accessories. that way you can mix and match articles of clothes and make them *pop* with the accessories…its the *pop* factor that gets ya.. bright colors *pop* and make it harder to wear frequent.

i’m really happy. its spring (which is summer-ish back home), the sun is shining, the pool is crystal clear, and life is good. our neighbor has planted some wildflowers/poppies in their yard and some have migrated into our yard.  they’re so pretty looking. its really a… (and i almost hate to say it).. a great time to be in arizona.

sunday me and jimmy took the boys to the dog park. it wasnt a great trip by my standards (had a few run-ins with some mexicans; a woman who was at a dog park and didnt like dogs. a group of older teens/young 20somethings who brought their 2-3m/o puppies and were letting their young kids awkwardly hold and hurt the puppies.), but the dogs still seemed to like it.  sunday was also the first day in the pool, albeit a quick trip in. woo was hot from the park and i was upset. he got in to cool off and i tossed on my ‘kini and jumped in after him.  yeah.. it still gets down to the high 30s / low 40s here at night. it was pretty damn cold and we both jumped out pretty quickly. it was really like ice water. we misplaced the thermometer for the pool, so i’m not exactly sure how cold it is.

yesterday, monday, me and jim kinda slept in and got a late start.  we stayed in until my mom came home from work and then the three of us went out and did some shopping at sams club and target. the dogs are really starting to love our costo / sam’s trips. it means they get brought home a bag of pigs ears and turkery/chicken jerky. you know, we spent a ton of money there, but i can barely remember what all we got now. we got some fucking *fantastic* shrimp. i was playfully asking jim last night if he could run back up there before work and grab me some more. next week we’re so going back and i’m going to stock up. mmmmshimp. yum. :D  i had to pick up a lot of little things from target that costco didnt have, like my shampoo and a body wash that had a smell i liked. we picked up the new juno soundtrack. we saw it a few weeks ago and both commented after the movie that we really liked their soundtrack. its really kickass.
oooh. and we also picked up season 1 of dexter. we didn’t get a chance to watch it last night, and probably wont get to tonight either; so hopefully tomorrow night we can start watching some of it. i really like the tv on dvd option. its great getting to just cuddle up on the couch together and watch a few episodes of a show.

still, me and jim are planning on going to walmart tonight after work. there were some things i couldnt get at either place yesterday. the walmart trip is always unavoidable *sighs*

since i started my ‘diet,’ i’ve lost like 10-15lbs. yaay!

we finished gears of war this past week. he has some wwii fighter game for the ps3 that he wants us to start playing next, but we only have one controller for it; we need to pick up another one, but it sucks to have to spend like $50 for it.  instead i talked him into starting super mario galaxy.  it took a while to get use to. you’re pretty much flying through space, landing on shit, and walking on it. at time you’re actually walking upside down on a ball-like shape and cant see whats coming at you or where you’re going. its tricky.

tonight/tomorrow is going to be busy, busy, busy! i have discussion board work to do for my classes tonight. one is kinda crappy. i need to interview a female family member about their pregnancy and labor. yeah. for me that pretty much leaves my mom. i dont wanna hear the gross stuff that i have to ask. bleck! tomorrow morning (at 9am! eeeep!) i have an appointment to meet with the adviser from NAU.  i received my letter (yesterday! YAAAAY!) that i’ve been accepted to NAU, but i need to go and apply to their school of education (their education department) now. so i wanna take with me a filled out application and the essay that they request for admission. i think i also need a letter of recommendation from a teacher. luckily i already have it.  so tonight i have a lot of work to do.  tomorrow, i’m going to go in like an hour early and do some of the things that i need to do at the college. i need to change my name, pick up a refund check, and i just wanna check in with the lady that processes the graduation stuff and be 110% sure that i will be graduating this may.  that means that ill need to be up at  6tomorrow to be there by 8.  double-bleck!  there are nights this past week that i didnt even go to bed until 4 or 5am.

for some reason, i’ve been loving and craving unsweetened ice tea. all i want is a nice cold unsweetened ice tea.

for some other reason, jim has been spoiling me rotten lately; not that i’m complaining.  :lol:  two weeks ago i was having trouble finding some jeans that i like in my size.  i found out that they’re pretty much discontinued.  luckily i found them online (and on sale!) and he bought me a few pairs of them. then last week he bought me a new pair of croc sandals. (i wore them out yesterday for the first time. i *love* them. they’re the best. croc shoes are amazingly comfortable).  two nights ago, we went out for a drive around town. when we came home, i noticed that someone had left an avon magazine by the door. i flipped through it and found a buncha things i liked. i went online and found a bunch more things i liked. well, jimny let me get them too. mostly some light, natural make-up and a few make-up brushes. we started talking last night about getting a magazines subscription. i’ve been looking today and am down to three choices: cosmo, readers digest, and fido friendly (a doggy travel magazine).

well, the day isnt getting any earlier and i have a shitload to do, so..

yesterday was a good day.
i called the school and i have all of my classes figured out. i’m done with my aa in ee degree and i’m happy with just that for now. i’m not going to stress myself out trying to get a crappy certificate in something i dont really want (preschool).  i need to buy my books now and call a prof who wants to have a phone conference before class starts. i had to sign up for one more class to be a full time student and almost everything was filled, so i’m taking intro to ethics.  should be interesting to say the least.

we put the doggies in the car and took them over to the new doggy park. its only a few blocks away and opened up just a handful of days ago.  when we got there, there were some landscapers working in the main area, so we took our doggies over to the timid dog area. we walked them around on their leashes first and made sure there werent any areas they could sneak out of (we found two  :sad:  but they werent really big enough that our dogs could easily escape through) and then we let them off of their leashes and let them run.  walter was pretty happy because he has a ball addiction and we brought one with us. he played fetch for a good bit of time, but murphy really didnt know what to do. he would run with walter, but then got bored and tired out.  soon, the landscapers left and a few other people and their doggies showed up and went into the main area. murphy became really focused on the other dogs and wanted to go play with them, so we put them back on their leashes and took them over to the main area. one couple was a little concerned because we were in the timid area and coming into the main area. we had to explain to them that there were landscapers with a gate open in the main area when we got here. we let the boys off of their leashes and let them play with the other doggies for about 5-10minutes. they did really good. they walked side-by-side and sniffed other doggies that came by. after awhile a mother and her two children came in; one was a teen, but the other was young (3-4), skittish, and seemed to be mentally challenged.  There are rules against such young children being there, but i guess the woman didn’t care. so since we dont know how our boys do around young children, we decided to leave.

we came home, showered, waited for my mom to see if she wanted to go around with us (she didnt), and then we went up to chandler and to the mall up there. my wedding ring has been a little too tight and his has been a little too big.  the lady who waited on us was very nice. she took our ring sizes and explained about how even though my my wedding ring was too tight and my engagement ring just right were actually the same sizes. i guess the wider the ring, the smaller they feel. my wedding ring is pretty wide and then my engagement ring was added on top of it, so it felt really tight.  poor jim had to use a ring guard/huggie to keep his on his finger. it would just fall right off without it. while we were there, he asked if there was anything that i liked, so i looked around and found two things.  one was a set  (ring/necklace/earrings) that was diamonds and pink diamonds(? or maybe it was some other light pink gem) in a flower shape. the other was a small diamond stud earrings. he didnt like the earrings. he thought they were a little small. so he ended up buying me one size larger.  just these gorgeous 1/4th carat round cut diamond earrings.  he told me back in november i could pick out anything i wanted for my birthday, but they didnt have anything that i liked at the time. so i asked if this could just be considered a late birthday gift.  i put them in right away when we got in the car. they look *gorgeous*, but HUGE.  i’m use to having tiny little diamond chip earrings. they look huge in my ears.

after that we went out to eat at olive garden. we managed to get a table right away in a nice little corner. we both tried something new on their menu and were both pleasantly surprised. i had purchased some lactaid the other day and took some with me and  had it with dinner and YAY! no upset tummy!

we went home after dinner and crashed on the couch and watched a movie. we ended up going to bed earlier because jimmy had to be up at 7 today to go in early to work.  of course i graciously gave him a nice long back rub for damn near spoiling me to death and he’ll probably get another tonight.
i’m a little grumpy actually.. they said our rings wont be ready until saturday.  well, jimmy works on saturday and on sunday he is leaving for bullhead city (right across the river from laughlin, nv). they’re meeting with 911 people from there to see what kinda system set-up they have. apparently jimmys work has been looking for a new set-up/software so they’ve been having meetings with various software developers and 911 centers to see what they’re using and how its working out for them and if its something they should purchase or not.  so i guess on sunday he’s going with another supervisor and 2 other people up there.  its only a one-day meeting, but its a long drive, so they decided to spend the night so they wouldnt have to drive-meeting-drive.  so that would mean that jim wouldnt have his ring while he’s gone..  now i trust jim, but i dont trust other women.  a wedding ring is a nice little “back off bitches! he’s mine!” statement to trampy hoes.  yeah. jim needs his statement if he’s going that far away and into that kind of area.

there is a high school less than a mile from here and their band is practicing in their football feed. i have my window open for fresh air and i can hear the rhythmic beats of the drums and the tap-tap-tap of a block. i like this time of year. i like the fresh air and the band.

i went to bed around 1.30am and was up around 7ish.  by 8.20, i was at the school. by 9.30 i was speaking to an adviser.  my aa is done. i cant complete my aa in ece because they’re not offering all of the classes i need to take for it.  i submitted my form to graduate. i tried to change my name, but they wouldnt let me. they said that they needed to see my SScard before they would change it.  i did that monday, but havent gotten my card yet.  i cant change my email and login for my online class stuff (which is my old maiden name) until i change it in the administration with my SScard. such a nasty, vicious cycle.

life is pretty darn good. i’ve been pretty happy lately.

me and jim started our yearly diet. it seems to be going pretty good so far. we’re into our second week. we’ve decided that mondays are going to be our ‘bad days,’ when we go out to dinner and not worry too much about what we eat. last monday we went to one of our favorite italian restaurants. it was really good at first, but it made me kinda sick. i spent all of monday night feeling like crap. i think part of it was because i overdid the rich foods and accidentally ate milk-based foods. i hate being lactose intolerant.
i was really surprised.. so jimmy and some ppl from work are going on a diet challenge, putting in some money from their checks and whoever looses the most weigh at the end of 3months wins the pot.. so he snagged the scale to take in so everyone could get weighed up. i didnt get to weigh myself until today.. and i was quite surprised. i’m at the same weight now that i was last year when i went on a diet (and didn’t really do too well). so in a year i havent gained and i havent lost. but hey, so as long as i didnt gain, i’m ecstatic. lol

we’ve been doing a lot of vegetable eating. every night / every other night, i make a huge bowl salad for dinner and lunch the next day. it took me 20years, but i finally found a low cal dressing that i *love*. its one of the salad spritzers and only 2cals per spritz. every night’s dinner starts with a huuuge salad for both of us. yesterday i made a vegetable soup that came out amazingly well. water, carrots, onions, celery, mushrooms, a splash of lemon juice, poultry seasoning, and oregano (i love oregano). i didnt want it to be just a vegetable soup, so i added in the poultry seasoning to give it a bit of a chicken-y taste.  tonight i’m going to make some baked fish for dinner.  my breakfasts have consisted mostly of oatmeal or soup broth (i made a ton -l-), salad and soup for lunch, and salad and dinner for dinner. we usually give ourselves a treat of 100cal popcorn or a scoop of chocolaty cereal as a late night snack.

almost every night me and jimmy have been doing some exercising.. if we’re not out and about and walking around, we go out and walk around the neighborhood. i really like it. it gives us some quiet time to be together and talk about things.

last night i started again on murphy’s blankie. i scrapped my original pattern. i think it was just too difficult for me to start out with. i went with a very simple 3×3 pattern with each block 17in x 17in. four of the blocks are flannel fabric with blue sky and white clouds, the other five blocks are a dark blue print on polyester, and its backed with a flannel plaid backing. i have the front and back made, but i still need to sew them together and put in the fluff. i did fucking fantastic on it. all of my edges are nice, even, and straight on the front. for the back, i had to use three strips of fabric sewn together to make the correct size. i did so well with that that you *barely* tell where the sewing seams are at. you really have to look closely and search for them. yeah; i pieced together my plaid THAT well.
today i did a lot of work. i filled out my fasfa and found out that i couldnt submit it. instead i had to sign up for a new pin. new last name means a new pin. -sighs- i did a lot of researching for my classes. i ended up making myself REALLY confused. i pretty much have to go in and talk to an adviser now. i got a letter the other week pretty much say that i’ve taken too many classes and will no longer be getting any financial aid. i havent been getting any until this year. i have been taking out student loans in my own name. this year i got a pell grant. so i need to find out if my pell grant is being pulled from me or not. while i’m there i also have to change my name and sign up for a class or two. i need to set up my major. the letter i sent said i was major just as ‘general studies’.. i didn’t think that i’d EVER been that.. so maybe i was when i first started and someone didnt mark down my change to education major.. ill have to find out and change it. i should also be able to graduate this summer.. so i need to fill out the forms to do so.

when jimmy comes home tonight, i need to apply for NAU again.. sometime this week, i need to go and apply to them again (how silly huh? applying twice.. ) i need to apply to the college and then i need to apply to their education division. to do so with them, i also need to write an essay on why i want to be a teacher. i dont feel so bad about that.. i’ve actually been missing writing. i am thinking about taking a creative writing class online.

school starts monday. thats why i’m in such a rush and feeling a lil frazzled. i need to sign up for about two more classes to be full-time and i still need to get all of my books. THANK GOD friday is payday and i can ask jim to help out with my books. i have one class that i have NO idea where its at. its my only in-a-classroom class and its not on campus. so i need to email the prof or ask at the campus when i go there to do all of this paperwork and advising.

i still need to go to the dmv and change my name on my card. meh.

everything is going really well.. i’m still behind in some of my school work, but i’m not so anxious about it. i know ill get it done and everything will be ok. i need to have everything done and in by the 6th.  im doing ok in my classes. my grades had kinda slipped with work not turned in yet, but as i’m turning them in, my grade is climbing back up.

jimmy is at another training today. i guess he’s taking a lot of classes because he’s now a supervisor. he’s taking a lot of management classes.

i’ve been trying very hard lately to do more wifey things.  i cooked on monday night and made jimmy ravioli and pumpkin bread.  last night i made some cinnamon swirl bread for my mom (she wanted to take something to work for friends) and i made brownies and chocolate chip cookies. I put too much oil or butter (or both?) in my cookies and they all flattened out to a pan-shapped cookie mess!  :lol:   :lol:  i also did a ton of cleaning last night. cleaned up our bathroom, gathered up garbage (jim-a-roo took it out for me), did three loads of laundry, put the new (and freshly washed) flannel sheets on our bed, and took a shower.  i was busy-busy last night..  and i turned in a homework assignment and completed half of another assignment! busy-busy me
jimmy should be getting off work soon. i’m not sure what we’re going to do. i’d like to stop at the storage unit and get our christmas stuff and maybe do some work in the yard while its cool and dusk… i dont think he really wants to though. we’ll probably stay in and watch movies and tv.

… i really like being married.

me and jim have been having some more serious talks lately (mostly about myself).  after we dropped his mom off at the airport last night, me and jim had a long talk on the drive home. it was mostly about me, where i’m going, what i’m doing, and my goals in life. we had started to have the conversation a few days ago, but weren’t able to finish it.

i’m mostly unsatisfied with my ECE course.  after my daycare experience, i’m really jaded and no longer want to take the classes because i no longer find the field appealing.  jim, i feel, is/was getting annoyed with my lack of direction. he doesnt want me to spend all of this time in college (something we’ll have to pay for) and come out with nothing. he wants me to at least finish my degree.

so we struggled for a while.. him wanting me to finish my degree and me hating my major.  but we talked last night, figured some things out, and i now have a plan. its good to have a plan.  i’ll tough out this semester. its almost over with. i’ll take the one or two more courses that i need to finish my AA in EDU and (depending on what / how many classes i have) maybe my AA in ECE next semester. it should be a light semester.  within the next few weeks, i’ll reapply for NAU at my local campus and try and get back into their BA in Elem. Ed. program. So in two years from now I’ll have my BA in Elem. Ed. and will be able to teach 1st-8th grades.

we continued talking and i was telling him how i really want to work on english. it was one thing that i was/am really good at. i’ve never been good at anything before. i hate giving that up.  but really, right now it is impossible for me to earn my BA in English. i REFUSE to go to ASU over their new policy of funneling money to illegal aliens. i wouldn’t give them my good name and talent if someone held a gun to my head and “forced” me.  nau’s main campus (w/ the major) is too far away. so is UofA’s.  i’m stuck being in this shitty town and doing what they have offered here.

jim suggested that i finish my degrees in education. i can always get a job working with younger children, go to night school,  get my degree in english, and then continue from there. he also said that if i wanted to, i could start writing (not that he was giving me permission to write, but rather encouragement to start writing) and when i get published, i could quit school and focus more on writing. just at first it needs to be both work and writing. lol  i’ve been so well at writing that i know i can get published.

but maybe i’m just getting a big head.. i’ve been extremely blessed these past 4years  here. i havent been rejected for anything that i’ve done/submitted. i have several ideas for things that i want to write..just need to find the courage and strength to sit down and put finger to key..

i’m starting to become so jaded with school. i’m so tired of it. really, i’m starting to hate it.

after working those few days and seeing what its like, i dont think its something that i want to do. i have been having a lot of trouble lately focusing and paying attention. i was sick for that one week and all of my borderline grades dropped. i just feel like an idiot.

ive been writing in here more.. i guess its probably because i’ve been feeling bored and lonely lately.

i’ve been thinking recently of writing an opinion piece and turning it into the phoenix paper… i’ve actually have semi-planned out versions on what i would write for two articles, one on immigration and one on the death of a local police dog. maybe.. maybe..

i’m getting very frustrated with my classes. they’re ECE (early care and education) courses online. 99.9% of the people in all of my classes are already preschool/head start teachers or own their own daycare. me and another girl dont. since there is a high amount of people who already have experience, most of the homework in these classes want you to speak from experience or go test something out in the classroom.. my first round of homework assignments went fine. they were all “read the syllabus and answer general class questions (like how do you turn in your homework).” i did great on that. i stumbled in two classes on the second round of homework because it expected you to “look in your room/center” or “answer these questions based on your experience,” and when i replied “well, i’m a full-time student and havent worked in a center so i cant really answer this questions” i get 0 points; essentially penalizing me for not working. one teacher replied to this with “you should answer it based on your work”… i clearly said I DONT WORK. -huffs- so i tried to be really polite and write her an email again saying that i am not already employed at a daycare, yes i am doing observations for other classes but hadnt been in a classroom and observing for those classes at the time of the assignment due date for her class, nothing in the homework or syllabus for that class said i would need observations to do my work. … -huffs- i’m very frustrated. i woke up, checked my school email and class grades (which i check daily), and was ready to scream at her marking me so many points down because she clearly did not read my answers. on the same assignment i also got a point taken off for i dont know what and was told to go back and check my work. so i did and also included in the same email that i didnt see what i had said wrong in my answer.

it seems like every year i have to struggle with teachers. i think my mom and jim think that i like conflict so i create it.. maybe i do.. but i think it really just comes from a steadfast refusal to dumb myself down to teachers, lie on my work, and have no respect for myself.

for another class i received 8/15 points for a discussion week because i: wrote in complex sentences instead of simple sentences thereby reducing the number of “sentences” in my posts and did the required number of responses. see, apparently “i really like you’re great idea and I plan on using it my future classrooms. I also heard using green glitter to represent the germs.” see, that doesnt meet the required sentence minimum. However this would have met the minimum: “I really liked your idea. It was great. I plan on using it in my future classrooms. I also heard of using green glitter. It can represent the germs.” this PISSES ME OFF to no end. just because i’m taking classes on how to care and educate for toddlers should NOT mean that i have to talk like one. and the assignment said to respond to x-amount of people. i responded to x-amount of people. but you see, hidden within files and folders and page clicks is an rtf.. in that rtf it says you have to do MORE than what the teacher says to or else you’re screwed. what the fuckity fuck man?! if you want me to respond to 5ppl, say “respond to 5 people:” dont be a dick and try and screw me over with hidden requirements and “ignore what i say and really do this” -HUFFS-

im angry and i’m frustrated. i feel like pulling all of my hair out and screaming… and then crying.

-huffs-

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.