so the other day my husband brought up the subject of having kids.  it wasnt a deep discussion, but just a passing comment that he’s ready for us to buy a house and start having children.  of course this got a little twisted in my head and became “oh my god! he wants kids NOW!”   im sure he doesnt mean right now this second, but within the next year or so.

so all i can think about are babies and pregnancy.  is it something im ready for? is it something i can do?..  my hormones are all over the place and because of it my period is screwed up.  i might skip a year, three months, or get it twice in one month.  i was taking the pill to regulate myself, but i was horrible at remembering to take it.  i know i should go back to my gyno, but, honestly, its really nice not getting your period for a while. lol   but, if im not ovulating and menstruating, i cant get pregnant and i cant get pregnant if im on the pill to regulate me.  so really im looking at having to need fertility treatments to get pregnant.

so with all of this constantly swimming around in my brain, i cant help but notice the ton of pregnant women there are when im out shopping.    they all look so young!  i feel almost like maybe im too old to even try, and then i try to remind myself that i live in a crap city and, yes, those probably are 16 and 18 yo girls who are pregnant.

but i guess they should be given credit.. at least they didnt have an abortion.  don’t get me wrong, i believe in a woman’s right to choose, but i think that choose should be a little bit limited.   recently i learned that someone im related to had an abortion.  of course she wasnt the first one in the family to do so.  geeze,  one member must have had a card “abort 5, get the 6th one free!”  with it mostly filled out and a determination to get the free one.   why?  we live in such an enlightened age.  im sure they know what causes pregnancy and what they had to do to prevent it.  they didnt care about the life in them, but only for their selfish, self-centered existence.  no doubt at the time of their abortions, they wouldnt have made good mothers; again, too selfish and immature.

why not consider adoption? there are so many couples out there who wants kids but cant have them.  (of course i just now get a flash of a horrible thought.  what if i/we have to adopt, but someone  aborts the child meant for us? — i know, a selfish thought..)

i was stumbling and came across this website of personal stories of people who have had abortions.  there were so many that they were even categorized into reasons why.  some were truly saddening.  stories of babies with terrible deformities that would never survive birth or shortly after.  i can see why abortion would be a humane option.  then there were other stories that just made me sick with the vile evil that exists in humans.  so many people aborting their pregnancies because the baby would have down’s syndrome.  “oh, it might be mentally retarded? lets just get rid of it then.”  i couldnt imagine feeling a baby inside of me, knowing that s/he is part of me and im part of him/her, and then just saying “its not good enough.  lets get rid of it.”   its your child for christ’s sake!

then i cant help but wonder, what do these people do when they have their perfect babies but they grown into their terrible threes or, worse, their teenage years?  are they so quick to dispose of them and write them off then? “too much of a hassle. lets let someone else take care of it.”  (truth be told, yes, and thats whats wrong with our educational system, but ill save that for another rant another day..)

when i got sick, i had to have a lumbar puncture.  before i had it the nurse asked me “have you had an epidural before?”  i told her no and she explained “women who have had an epidural say the lumbar puncture isnt as bad.” … that lumbar puncture hurt pretty damn bad.  in fact for my second one, they gave me morphine to deal with it.  it was so bad that obscenities were just pouring uncontrollably from my mouth.  (believe it or not i was trying hard not to curse.  when youre bare ass up in a room full of doctors, the last thing you want to be is obscene.)   i have said many times since: if a lumbar puncture is that bad, and you have something worse called an epidural to deal with even worse pain… i dont think so.  thats not for me. huh-uh. no way.  not gonna happen.

ive mentioned adoption a few times to jim. to me, it seems like a great option.  less pain and money spent on fertility treatments, pregnancy, delivery, and above all else, it is giving a great home to a child who needs one.  for some reason, i really want to adopt a girl from china.  i know there are so many of them in orphanages over there.

i know this might seem strange to compare the two, but it makes sense in my mind. me and jim have been the kind that dont go for designer dogs or buying a dog from a pet store.  if we want a dog, we go to the shelter. why go through fertility treatments and abortions (really “designing” your kid) when you can give a home to a child who desperately needs one?

ok, so what am i pissed about now? .. how little my life and accomplishments mean to people.

i just graduated suma cum laude from college. do i get a party? no.  however there will be a graduation party thrown at my house for someone else.  yes. a graduation party for someone else at my house.  i tried to slyly crawl my way into it, make it my party as well, but was quickly shot down. i invited four people, four “friends,” and all said yes originally and 12-24 hours later all sayed “opps! sorry. can’t do it!”  so none of my friends will be at the party to commiserate with me about the irony of how this isnt my party.

i tried asking:  hey, can we have this kind of cake? “no.” can we have this kinda food? “no.” can i have one small $11 bottle of jager for myself? “no.”  to all of this i snidely replied “well some kind of graduation party i get to have.”  of course i was quickly told “its not a graduation party! its a get together.”  *rmfe*

plus i get to be chauffeur to the batty old people (perhaps this is why i dont get jager) and im sure since no one my age will be around with me, ill get to be on kiddie duty.  i am 26 fucking years old. no, i DONT want to play hide and go seek with you or wii all day while i watch everyone else get wasted!

so what the fuck is going on? why am i treated like the redheaded stepchild?  isnt my accomplishments and my life worth celebrating? if not, why the fuck not?  i didnt have a sweet 16 party. i didnt have an 18th party. i didnt have a 21 party.  i didnt have a graduation party for hs or for when i completed my aa.  fuck! i didnt even have a god damn reception after my wedding!

why cant i have one, just ONE FUCKING ONE, party that celebrates some big milestone or accomplishment in my life???

and you know what else is pissing me off? these people that think “ohhh, im friends with her so i can tell her whatever i think and she’ll be cool with it.”  NO.  no i will NOT be cool with you telling me some damn insensitive thing you want.  telling me that im fat, not pretty enough and going to lose my man because of it, implying that im still an unemployed looser, and saying “yeah, i just really dont want to go to your party” is going to fucking upset me.   just because i try and be cool and dont mind what you drink, what kind of drugs you do, what fucking shade you are, who you hang out with, or where you put your own genitalia does not mean that i have dont have any feelings and wont get insulted.

i mean… what. the. fuck.   seriously?  seriously dude/ttes?  you really think im not going to care and not feel the slightest bit hurt?

god i wish i just had the balls to say “fuck you” to their faces.  god i so badly just want to flip them the bird and say “fuck you.”  maybe say it in a little song with a melody.  fuck you. fuck you. fuck fuck fuck you.

but what do i do? in shock, and im sure with a dash of shame, i say “oh. ok. i understand.”  but deep down, i dont.  i just dont.  am i not good enough? am i not worthy enough? why dont you like me? why dont you care how you make me feel?

and i know in the end… im just like a kicked puppy. ill take the abuse, the shame, the injustice, but whenever you call and need a friend, ill be right there like a loyal dog, believing that things will be different this time.

someone said to me the other day something along the effects of i’m more ‘one of the guys’ than just another chick. this got me thinking… why is this so? sure, some would argue nature vs nurture and all that that entails, but i believe it falls down to both categories.

i’ve never really liked girls or been one that feels that i need to hang in a huge clique of girls. i remember playing more with the boys and liking blocks and cars, toys that are stereotypically male. i guess it probably has always been nature that made me a bit of a tomboy.

personally, i cant stand those groups of giggling loud girls. i can’t blame them of course; its their nature. (don’t get me wrong though; i did have female friends. however, i always felt more comfortable around boys). the question to ask: why am i not one of those girls? why is it that i cant stand them? this, i believe, falls into nurture/environment category.

i guess one of the things i havent talked about before is how when i was in school i was systematically tortured (through immense emotional and some physical abuse) by girls. it was these same cliques of girls who would band together like a pack of rabid giggling and glittery hyenas and attack anyone, both those in and outside of their pack. i was no exception to this rule.

however, my ‘girl trouble’ didnt just start and end with those in my peer group, but also with those who i considered good friends. i learned quickly with some of my female friends, even close ones, that they would have no problems using you. i never was a friend, but a tool to many of my so-called friends. i would be used as a bank (they were my friends, i had no problem with giving whatever money i had in my pocket. it would be pointed out to my by other friends that some were taking advantage of me, something i didnt realize until i got older), a place-holder (someone to sit or stand with in a group, so they wouldn’t look alone), or just someone to compare to (sadly, a few friends looked down their noses at me just in order to make themselves feel bigger).

behaviour such as this was something i never experienced around my male peers, who were so much more laid back and had some sense of loyalties. after the daily drama of being around girls, it was so refreshing to be around a boy who would just tell you what they thought with no secret or hidden agenda. (a younger male will never have trouble telling you what they think of you. it seems like it is not until they get older that they learn to lie in order to tiptoe around the female insecurities and emotions). i think that this was what started my deviation from being ‘one of the girls’ to ‘one of the guys.’ i would rather hang out with people who would say “yeah, you’re a jerk” and treat you like they knew you were a jerk, than to hang out with people who would pretend to be your best friend and backstab you the moment you turned around by spreading vicious rumors and lies. it just so happened that the first group of people are typically males and the second group of people are typically females.

even to this day i notice females (i hate to call them women, because it implies adulthood, confidence, maturity that these chicks just dont have) that still fall into their packs of glittery giggling hyenas. thankfully, my eyes have been open a bit more since the days of primary and secondary schools. i see them for what they are and i just cant seem to force myself to fall into what it means to be female in this day and age.

while i write this, i think.. it does go a bit beyond nature vs. nurture but into the very being of stereotyping the sexes. after being silent for so many years and taking crap from so many females, well, one day i just snapped and said i had enough of it. unfortunately, that snap also occurred with a crack and a girls bloody nose. violence, of course, being strictly a male thing to do. girls aren’t suppose to get into physical fights. i guess this would be considered the day i severed all of my ties or any hopes of ever being ‘one of the girls.’ it was right around that time that i realized i should stand up for myself and speak out more. i realized i didnt want to be the wallflower that everyone smeared shit on. it was like someone flicked a light switch that made me realize i could just say “fuck this shit!” good girls, as we know, do not swear.

another turning event at this time was my slipping into that school category of ‘goth.’ (not the whiny, mopey, poetry writing kind, but give me a black outfit, some steel-toed boots, and my marilyn manson cds and i was good to go). again, this did not help me align myself with the girls. girls do not wear black or steel-toed boots or listen to manson; thats more of the of stereotypical male metal rocker. of course by the time i was most into this was the time of columbine. with my previous act of violence at school, one person (a male; oh such a straightforward and honest male!) did openly question me about it and if i would do something similar. yeah… girls do not go and commit massive acts of violence at school. not that i would ever do this or even ever thought of it… it just goes to illustrate that those around me were starting to see me more as a male than a female.

by 9th grade, i pretty much had a metaphorical penis. for all intents and purposes, i was square in the middle of ‘one of the guy’ territory. ive been there ever since. i could bemoan how i’m not girly enough. if i cut my hair any shorter, i’m sure i would look like a bull dyke. i try and be more girlish; get my nails done, put on make up, attempt to love clothes shopping, but its just not me. id rather spend my money and time on video games or sci-fi movies.

i am entrenched in ‘one of the guys’ land… i might as well enjoy it: kick back, have a stiff drink and a smoke, be crass, and enjoy the fact that i’m not a silly glittery giggling hyena.

so i went to the dr the other day. she gave me scripts for two of the things i’m taking now (w/ refills for 5mos). the third thing, she had given me a script for a LOT of (90) the very first visit. she told me that when i start getting low on that to just call in and tell them what dosage i’m currently taking (i’m allowed to play around with it) and they’d call in a new script to my pharmacy. *dances* so every thing is pretty damn good.

i did have an appointment with a plastic surgeon for monday at 3pm, but it was in mesa and NOBODY liked the idea of me driving by myself up to mesa. so after some pouting and whining i called and canceled my appointment. i started thinking about it more and, well, it really is best that someone go with me. they might tell me things that i wont understand or things that i will forget. so its for the best that someone comes with me. so when i called i got their off-hour call-in center. they said they would fax them a note saying i’m canceling my appointment and want to reschedule. the drs office will get that on monday and are suppose to call me on monday to reschedule. i’m gunna try and make it for the 2nd or the 9th. *fingers crossed* mom said even if i can get it an hour later on monday, she would be able to go with me after her work, but i highly doubt i’d be able to do that..

… i did something the other day. something that i’ve done before. usually i’ve done it when i was pissy and in a “purge”-mood. but this time i wasn’t in that mood.. this time it was “ah, -shrugs- oh well,” and had a feeling of 1) its been coming to this and 2) i’m gunna do it sooner or later so how about right now. something could be said sooner or later, but either which way, i wont get and wont have to hear it. every thing’s all blocked. its been coming from a long time.

people, family included, have been really snubby and snobbery lately, and before it just made me angry and now with this great little pills its like “eh. i don’t care. fuck it. i don’t need you in my life anyways.” my life is just fine the way it is with my mom and jim and my puppies. everything else it just background and i really don’t give a care anymore whats in the background. just as long as i have what i need - and i already do - and it doesnt include you if you happen to stumble across this and read this. (i’ve said for years that you need an attitude adjustment and it will cost you friends; its why you cant keep any friends.)

“What ever happened to me and you is on page 672
and thats the end of the book so fuck you.
Because I never wanna fucking see you again.
You’ve always been a bitch , since I can remember when.
You irritate my brain and you’re driving me insane.
No, I never wanna fucking see your ugly ass again.
Why did you have to be such a bitch.
I said you fucking bitch.”

- Rich Hardesty

(oh, yeah, btw, you’re turning into a total slut.)

oh wow.. that went on a lil rant that i wasn’t planning on it going on. lol.

so i was reading this article about how terrible bottled water is. its as expensive as gasoline by the gallon, fiji exports it but doesnt have their own fresh drinking water, and of course its filling landfills. and then people complain about how water has no taste and blahblahblah and its just friggen water.. but lemme tell you, water is pretty damn important.  other people might not be able to taste the differences, but i can. i couldnt even use the arizona water to brush my teeth (i would snag bottled water); it was just that gnarly and nasty. i still cant drink the water here, but i can now brush my teeth with it.  what we’re doing now is we bought a water cooler and get 5gal jugs of water.. we go through it pretty quick and use it for our drinking water. we refill them at refilling stations (which are pretty popular and can be found at most grocery stores or gas stations).  it says it has like a five step purification process. it really takes the nastyness out of the tap water.

i’m updating this after my trip home to washington at the end of may…  i love the tap water at home.. i can drink it by the barrels. it has a very mineral, filling taste. i loved it while i was there. i came home and went back to jug water here.. and now it tastes lacking to me. it doesnt have that really good mineral-y taste and it tastes like a ghost water.. acceptable, but not satisfying.

so my walterdog decided to come into my room with me and take a nap.  he’s actually lying on my arm and shirt right now.. snoozing away.  i’ve been a little worried lately that he’s been sleeping too much.  he sleeps with me in the mornings and he naps and snoozes a good bit during the day. i’ve been concerned that he’s sleeping too much.  so off to google i went!

i found out that a dog will sleep 14hours a day, including sleeping, snoozing, and naps. what other new thing i learned about is that its positively horrible for you to let your dog sleep with you.  i was just baffled by this.  i always wanted a doggy to sleep with me. rowdy would lay for a while, but then got hot (he was a border collie with long hair) and want to go back outside where it was more cool.  murphy spent half of his first night outside. my parents wanted him to be an outside dog too..  but half a night of him howling and whimpering tore my heart and two and he went right to the bottom of the bed and onto some old beach towels.

my fear with murphyroo was that he might tinkle the bed. so my first thought was: do vets not want you sleeping with dogs out of fear of you sleeping in dog pee?  with murphy, he was only a few months old, still fit in the palm of my cupped hands, and wasn’t potty trained.  we kept a little clock by the bed to wake me up every 2-3hrs to take him out to pee. (i secretly miss those times and him trying to fall asleep, too tired to even stand, yet alone pee).

walterwoo was a few months older when we adopted him. he could go for longer hours, but still wasnt potty trained. (many of times i scrubbed the kitchen floor (always under the kitchen table; i swear i think he looked for maximum inconvenience to clean) and cursed that “damn little pisser!”). we were worried that he might use the bathroom in the bedroom (not the bed. we didnt think he’d do that), so his first night we laid him in the bed between us. that way if he got up and had to use the bathroom, one of us would feel him and wake up and let him out.  of course walter wasnt use to our sleeping schedule.. so for about the first week i had to physically sit and lay him on the bed, snuggle up to him, and hold him until he fell asleep.  this led to a dog that still to this day wants to lay between us and be held.

now they’re both grown up. even walter is no longer a puppy and i now affectionately call him my horse. murphy doesnt sleep with us anymore. i think its because there just isn’t that much room left on the bed.  instead he likes to go and hide under grandma’s bed (we’ve termed this area “murphy’s fort”). walter still sleeps with us though. you can’t keep him out of this bed.  due to settling, our door doesn’t shut and latch properly anymore. walter knows this. he will use his head and force the door open to come in and join us.  even when we’re not here, we’ll return home to our bedroom door open and a walter sprawled across the middle.

In the three years that we’ve been sleeping with dogs and have had them sleeping in our beds, nothing bad has happened.  so why are vets so Chicken Little about it? well, they say that the jumping up and down is bad for older dogs hips. yeah.. well, we have this covered too.  back when murphy was still a pup, we taught him to “come put the paws up.” he wasn’t big enough to jump up on our bed on his own, but he could put up his front paws. we would then lift up the butt and put him up.  rusty and murphy still do this with grandma’s bed. rusty has bad hips and doesn’t jump well. murphy has a big butt and always clips his knees and the butt starts to drag him back down and its just a sad funny scene. so they know if they put their paws up, someone will come along and pick up their butt for them.  yes.. walter does this too with our bed.. mind you our mattress is lower than his chin.  so what he does first is come in and lay his head down on the bed and give you big pleading eyes. this is his way of saying “could you please put my front paws up for me?” yes, we actually put his front paws up for the lazy bones. once you put up his front paws for him, he then (i swear) looks over his shoulder at you, wags his tail, and says “now the back paws please.” … these are dogs that dont have to worry about hip problems.

the next reason is “a dog might not react well when suddenly awakened and bite you.” ok.. who sleeps with their fighting dog?  a dog isn’t going to bite you if you wake him up! in my 20years of dog ownership, i’ve never had a dog just wake up and bite me. yet.. this is something jim is semi-worried about. walter gets very excited in his dreams. sometimes we can tell when he is having a bad dream. he will start growling and barking in his sleep. one of us will just go over to him, pet him softly, and very softly tell him “its ok,” “mommy/daddy’s here,” “its just a bad dream.”  he’ll slowly wake up, look at us, wag his tail, and then fall back asleep. jimmy’s commented before that he’s afraid that when i hug woo, he might wake up and think i’m something from his bad dream and in a sleepy haze bite me, so i’ve been trying to just keep it to a slow pet and a gentle voice. i think its the slow waking up effect that doesn’t have him aggressive. but i’m sure the idiot who goes up to a growling, sleeping dog, shakes him and goes “ooooga boooga booo!” is gunna get bit.. but really, isnt it the person’s own fault for being an idiot in the first place?

the next lame excue it gives is about kids. blah blah blah. we dont have kids and dont have to worry about it.. again, kids are little idiots. you need to teach them not to pull the dogs tail, etc. you cant blame a dog because you’re a bad parent who doesnt teach your child to respect animals.

the last reason given is the a doggie “will try to take over the bed as territory to guard. This can result in bites.”…    ….    …. ok, yeah. walter takes over the bed.  he sees nothing wrong with just being a blankie hog or even just sleeping on top of you. he will sometimes growl if i try and move him or if i try and steal a blanket back.. but heck.. i sometimes growl at him too when he tries and steals my spot by laying on me and waiting for me to move away when i get too hot.. he’s not growling for territory; he’s growling because i woke him up! jim does the same thing, but should i banish him to the floor or living room?

so as i’m reading through these articles and i stumble across a passage that reminds me of walter. i share it with jim on yahoo and this is what happens:

 jess: who does this sound like?
jess: When it’s going to be a problem:

When he’s taking over the pillow and there’s no room for your head. Seriously, if he’s slowly started to take over the prime soft spot in the bed, and you’re left grasping the very edges of the pillows while he stretches out in luxury, it’s time to demote him back to the foot of the bed, or off the bed altogether.

If he races you to the bed, settling himself first, before you get there. There’s no problem if he’s been snoozing in your bed and hops off as soon as you show up, but another altogether if you need to order him out of the way, or physically haul him off so you can lay down. If he’s challenging you for authority, you need to put a stop to it immediately, and make him work for everything he wants or needs, and reassert yourself as the leader
Jim: it sounds like you  :p

our economy is in a downturn.  you can no longer ignore it or deny it. its here.

its really saddening to know that everything that can be wrong is wrong. our dollar is weak, our housing market is horrible, gas prices are through the roof.. i just read an article stating how the price of wheat has gone up. so anything that is made from wheat or flower will go up as well.

the past few weeks me and jim have been going to costco, sams club, and walmart to buy groceries. we’ve been spending loads of money and coming home with very few things. i guess its just time for me to learn how to shop more frugally. 
at least we’re lucky. my parents and jim have good jobs and income. because we all live together, things can be spread around. at least for me, things don’t seem that bad.

i’m very lucky. jim lets me stay ignorant to many things. he lets me live in a little happy bubble.

in other scary times news, i need to go to a dentist and i’m scared out of my britches. almost all of my trips to the dentist have been total blood, gore, and pain horror stories. *shudders*

i can’t go anywhere today without seeing this story. yahoo, google, cnn, fuck even perez hilton. apparently “a lance corporal stationed at Marine Corps Base Hawaii in Kaneohe” threw a puppy off a cliff, video taped it, and it leaked (?.. he was probably also stupid enough to post it himself) onto youtube. the video has been pulled (thankfully), but news of it is *everywhere*.

i can only hope that somewhere in kaneohe a dexter has found this lance corporal and is giving him his comeupance.

it is instances like this that make people hate the marines. i wonder if these people know that mr and ms average-joe american is honestly afraid of the marine. these people are literally crazy. i swear they recruit out of the psych wards around the country. no, really the problem is the marines handling of new recruits.. “tearing down to rebuild” them into the perfect soldier.. now this could be ok if you need a crazy person to kill a nazi.. but guess what? they’re no longer a problem.. true; we could sic them on a terrorist but who here remembers osama bin laden?.. they’re busy chasing ghosts. our american government created a monster to kill a monster. the problem now is that there are no more monsters for them to kill. now they are focusing their crazy on their innocent public. raping people and torturing and killing puppy dogs.

fuck the marines!

(i made this for my myspace blog since i havent posted in there for a while, but it ended up being so long that i decided to put it here as well. i have edited a bit of it to exclude things i’ve already talked about recently in this blog)

things are going pretty ok. i’m putting off crappy work that i dont really want to do. me and jim are both sick. its like the cold from hell. ive had it about the past two weeks. i’m starting to get better, but its hard to shake off. of course, i gave it to jim. he started coming down with it on friday/saturday. he just keeps getting slowly worse. i’m hoping he starts to get over it soon. we have a little mini-pharmacy going on here with different cold medicines and tissue boxes all over the place.

we went out this weekend and probably shouldn’t have. on sunday we stayed in and played video games. i got him addicted to Gears of War. we spent almost all day sunday playing. he had to climb up on the roof and fix a few slipping tiles. luckily a neighbor pointed them out the other day and we were able to fix it before any damage was done. in the evening we went for a drive, got some take out, and had a little picnic in the park. we haven’t done that in ages. yesterday, he had to go into work for a little while and then we went up to chandler and did some shopping. the usual stopping at petco to pick up treats (are doggies love the goodies at their treatbar), picked up some light bulbs at lowes, snuck into sam’s club and scoped it out (we have a costco membership, but think we might want to get a sam’s as well), had dinner at longhorn steak house (friggen *excellent* btw), then stopped at the theater and saw ‘jumper.’ of course when we came home, we played GOW. it was a good day, but jimmy was pretty bad last night; just lots of coughing. i felt bad for going out and not letting him just stay in and rest.
we got our state tax refund this weekend. jimmy wants to buy some bikes and go bike riding. we’re planning on putting our federal (a decent bit of money) aside and saving it as a down payment for a house. we’ve been trying to do a lot to get ready for buying a house (fixing credit, saving money, etc).

we’ve been talking off and on about our vacation this year. we want to do something more than just ‘go home.’ jimmy wants to go to cancun, but i’m leery. i would want to venture off the beaten path and thats how tourists in mexico wind up dead. personally, i would love to do a cruise up the pacific coast to alaska and see the northern lights. of course he countered with a whirlwind tour of the east coast: a few days home, a few days in d.c., a few days in nyc, a few days in philly, a few days in boston. i think we’ve kinda agreed on this (for now). he has to go up to plymouth, ma next month for training and says he’d really like to go and spend some extended time in boston. as a history buff, i would love to go to boston and see the historic sites (and graveyards!). i also love the idea of spending a few days in nyc. when we first met, he took me there as a surprise. neither one of us really didn’t know what to do and spent the weekend there wandering around and getting lost (and we did get to go ice skaing in central park and see the 9/11 site); it was loads of fun. of course, what i really want to do is go to the new york public library and see winnie the pooh and go to the museums there.. and of course you can’t go to d.c. and not at least spend some time museum hopping there.. but i’m not sure if my desire to museum and graveyard hop for vacation is really jimmy’s desire too. it just so happened that last night i noticed the ‘travel’ section in the paper. i think i’m going to have to google some new places tonight.
its going to be a busy spring. jimmy has lots of meetings now that he’s a supervisor and working on all kinds of committees. one of his friends from back home is going to vegas for a bachelor party and has asked jim if he’d want to go and meet up for the weekend. i’ve been encouraging him to. i know he needs to get out, hang out with the guys, oogle other women; he knows the rules: no touching, no fucking, no killing. oh, yeah, ‘no killing.’ i’ve seen the movies, i know what goes on in those parties… so things are going to be busy for him. i’m trying again to transition into NAU. i have an appointment wednesday after next to meet with their advisor. its basically about applying to NAU’s school of education. bleck. i still need to work on changing my name, getting my license, find a new dr, and of course the rest of the typical day-to-day shit that goes on.

i still have my learners permit. i got a lot of driving in this weekend. i’m doing pretty ok, but sometimes forget simple little things like speed limits, not making 90degree turns at 40mph, and not hitting other cars in parking lots. i do pretty ok. i get a little freaked at the speeds here. just going on some side roads, the speed limit is the highway speed limit back in pa. i almost had a panic attack last night coming home. was doing almost 70, pitch black and couldn’t see far (of course with just enough on-coming traffic to keep me from turning on my high beams for any extended period), and on the reservation where cows are known to sneak out of fences and wind up by/on the road. i’ve personally seen two cows on the side of the road at night on that road.. so, yeah, i got a bit freaked. and of course there is nothing scarier than the guy two cars back in his lexus that wants to do 90 so he decides to pass me and the guy behind me at the same time and, yes, of course i could see the lights of on coming traffic and my own immediate demise because of one fuck.. -grumbles- or the bitch from michigan who saw that her right-hand lane was ending, but almost rammed me into oncoming traffic to the left just to get in front of me. its not my driving that makes me nervous and paranoid as it is the fuckers from arizona driving.

-grumbles- but i digress..

i’m hoping to do a lot of dog-focused things next weekend. i want to go to the dog park. i wanted to go the last two weekends, but we haven’t been able to. as luck would have it, it has rained a day or two before our weekend, so we know it will be muddy there and jimmy doesnt like them playing in the mud. im hoping next weekend will be nice enough for us to take them again. they really like getting to run in a big area and socialize with other doggies. murphy needs groomed. badly. for some reason, his head smells like bacon grease; because of this, walter likes to lick him. when we came home last night i noticed my poor murph-a-roo looked like a wanna-be-trendy preteen with gel spiked hair going every which way on his head. i bathed them both a few weeks ago, but i hate doing it. they both hate taking baths and murphy really resents me for a few days after. so, they need groomed. when we were out yesterday i noticed that the petco we were at was going to have a local pet photographer in. it got the thought in my head that i really want to have some family portraits taken. we looked at the website for those people who were going to be there and i didnt really care for their style. so i wanna look around this week and try and find a good photographer who does pets and people. i think a great weekend would be park, grooming, and pictures. fingers crossed, we can get it done this weekend or next.

i love my dogs. they’re my children. there is nothing in this world better than puppy snores. when jimmy’s alarm started going off this morning, walter came in and laid with us. i had to scoot over and give him room and he snuggled in right between us. i woke up after jimmy got out of the shower and was rooting around in the closet for clothes. i hadn’t realized jim had even gotten up yet. i felt walter behind me and thought it was jim. four hours later, walter is still sleeping with me. i heard my father’s phone going off with a text message and went to go turn it off, he came out into the kitchen with me, i gave him a goodie, and he brought it right back to bed. yes. i think there is a green, heart-shaped biscuit hidden in my blankets right now; but i still love him.

i have a lot of little things that i want to do this week. we bought the previously-mentioned bookshelf from target and since its in a box, we need to put it together, but before i can do that i need to find a place for it. right now i just have five or six overflowing bags of books in the computer room. not that long ago, me and jim installed a new kitchen faucet. we had to get new shut-off valves and flex tubing things, but didn’t get the right type; we need to pick up something that has an extra hole in it for the dishwasher. right now our dishwasher has no access to water. i need to go to target or walmart and pick up a jewelry cleaner. jim has bought me some really nice jewelry over the years (my engagement and wedding ring, diamond stud earrings for my birthday) and i want to make sure that i always have them looking nice. i also want to pick up dexter. we’ve been buying and watching a lot of tv-on-dvd sets. while the strike has been going on, we’ve been watching heroes and jericho. i’ve heard great things about dexter and want to watch it. (its a showtime (i think?) show about a serial killer. its now on cbs, but i dont want to watch it edited). target (i think) has it on sale for like $20. i wanna get some new croc shoes, but what i want is sold out, so i need to look for some resellers. the weather is *excellent* here (despite the one rainy days before weekends that ruin doggy park plans). its been sunny, in the 60s/70s. its like a great spring day. i really want to look into turning part of our yard into a little vegetable garden.

before we got murphy, my parents didn’t really want us to get another dog. (i think a large part of it was it being too soon after rowdy’s passing, but i wanted a dog to try and help ease my own pain). we managed to talk them into it by sectioning off a part of the yard. its a U-shape. when we moved in, the back corner leg was sectioned off. while the majority of the yard was grass, this section had a railroad tie, that separated it. the end was sandy and had a prickly pear cactus. me and jim cut it down, cleaned it up, put up a fence, and created a big wooden box. our bedroom window looks off into this section. a perfect little place for a dog.. yeah. that was the plan. that never happened. roo spent half of his first night outside (on the patio no less) and then came right on in to the foot of our bed. so the penned off area is just this empty area that has some wood in it from the box (we broke it down). i think it would be a perfect place for a little vegetable garden. it gets full sun in the morning, shade in the afternoon and evening, and its seperate from the dogs by a fence. all it would take is some plastic sheeting, a few more railroad ties, a dozen or so bags of dirt, and some seeds. it would be pretty easy. its definitely perfect weather to start a garden.

i have a lot of crappy work to do this week for my class. so before i can do anything, i need to do my work… that i’ve been putting off.. for the past 4-5hours. last year i started an organization habit i plan on keeping for a while. i have an excel file that is set up in weekly blocks. i plan out my homework by it and keep track of what needs done, whats been done, whats late. in seperate tabs in excel i keep track of my grades in each class. since i’ve been sick, i have one assignment that is really late that i *need* to get in today. its almost a week late. last week i was just too sick to move and then the weekend came and i was feeling better and wanted to spend time with jim. i had planned on my calendar that two other assignments are due today and need to get done. plus i have a creative writing class that i need to write something for, have peer reviewed, and turned in by thursday. i know i wont have it done and reviewed by then. if i dont, my grade automatically goes down to a B. -sighs- i need to work.

so through chatting and friends and what knot i know tons of people that have married and then divorced within 5-7years. what the mother fucking hell? i can count on two hands now the number of people i know who have done this. wtf? why are people forgetting that marriage is a LIFETIME commitment? its shameful and minimalizes the seriousness and sanctity of marriage.   oh.. i’ve already told jim the only way we’re getting out of ours is by murder-suicide.  he better not be planning on getting a divorce within the next four decades or so.