yesterday, jim called me into the bathroom while he was showering.  he said he had a bad pain in his chest. i could tell he didnt look well and he was shaken up by it. he even sat down in the tub and i sat on the floor beside him and held his hand.  he tried to shrug it off and ignore it, and he went to work that night.  in the morning, he was still not feeling well, so he picked me up at 6am and we went to the ER here in town.  when we went in, his BP was really high. they did blood work, ekg, xray, ct scan.  luckily they all came back as normal. after a few hours there, his BP even settled down to a nice fine normal spot.  there was worry it couldve been a pulmonary embolism since he’s been traveling a lot of hours recently. the ultimate ruling?  he probably pulled a muscle in his ribs.

… the whole time, i had never been more scared in my whole life. there is nothing worse than seeing your better half hurting, in a gown, and hooked up to all kinds of buzzing and beeping monitors and machines. (made even worse by his hairy chest that kept making the leads come off and all of the sudden he would flat-line). but its over. he is fine and told he is very healthy.

still, 12 hours after leaving the hospital, i still feel horrible.

i guess it made me realize my superman is mortal. ive never seen him sick or hurting or in a lot of pain. (really; ive even asked him before why it seems like i get sick, even colds, more often then he does).  ive never seen him in the hospital.  ive never seen him as anything but this very strong man and suddenly something couldve been wrong and there was nothing i could do to help him.  nothing i could do to make it better quickly.  it was such a helpless situation.   i didnt cry in front of him. i didnt want to get him upset or worked up more while we were there. i just held it all in; but it still feels like they are there and needing to be cried.

i wake up yesterday and jim tells me the tivo is broken in the living room.  he looked online and apparently the hard drive overheated.  they dont make the tivos we have they use a different setup than the one we have now.  his proposed solution? buy a new hard drive with the tivo software already in it replace it ourselves.   so no tv in the living room, but hopefully by the end of the week we will have gotten our new hard drive and tripled our space (because if you’re going to replace it, why not upgrade it?)

after doing all of that and showering, it was 6ish before we got out of the house and went to a local pizza place for dinner with my mom.  we popped into frys with her and then dropped her back off at home before continuing on to do some shopping.   we went to a store and picked up some bathroom things and some shirts for jim and came back home and went to bed.

jim woke me up at 7 today.  he has an out-of-state training that he is going to and he wanted me to help him get ready and to drop him off at work and bring the car back home.  so when he wakes me up, he says “i think your phone was ringing around 5, but it was in your purse and i didnt want to go digging for it.”  … ? …  my phone? … ringing at 5?… 5 AM? … nobody but family ever calls me and the few random friends who would call, im sure would know there would be zero chance of me answering at 5 friggen am.  so i look and my phone said i had a missed call from my uncle at 6something.   we then proceeded to bicker about whether the phone rang at 5 or 6 before agreeing it probably rang at 5 and 6 when he was in the shower.   i shrug it off and figure my uncle must have butt-dialed (you know, when you sit on the phone and your butt dials a number..) me on mistake.  i ignore it.

so our morning goes on and around 8ish im in the car in the parking lot of his work while he’s inside and i send a txt message to my uncle asking if he meant to call me.  two seconds later, my phone rings and its my father. … now i should pause and point out that my father is usually off work and home by 7am-ish, but i noticed he wasnt. i figured he worked over…  so he calls, i answer, and he says “where are you?”   hmm.. a little harsh, but no biggie.  maybe mom forgot to tell him i was going with jim to bring the car home.  i tell him and he goes “im here with your uncle.  we think the starter went on the car.  he’s taking me home.”    now the curious thing is this, he never called the house.  jim was up; he says the house phone never rang.  when did he try calling? oh at 8ish when he was already 5mins from home.  why didnt he call sooner?  apparently he called my uncle first who thought to call me.  unfortunately he didnt leave a voice mail.  *grrr*   so sadly his starter is shit again, but luckily we have jim’s car with us if we need it.

and now the phone keeps ringing.  the id just says “progressive pai…”   now i dont think it scrolls and if it doesnt i dont know how to make it scroll, but im assuming it goes on to read “pain” because its a pain in my ass.   i answer “hello;” i hear “BEEEEEEEEEEP” loud enough to almost break my ear drum.  i wait to see if there is some telemarker waiting after the beep or some political message.  “hello?”  “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP“  screw it! i hang up.   guess who calls back 5mins later? …  same thing all over again.  out of curiousity, i google the number.  oh, its a fax number.  ugh.

whats going to break or drive me crazy next?

so this morning i was sitting outside and my husband came and said to me “i love you.”  i told him “thank you. i always say it first and its nice to hear you say it first.”   after i said that, he must have told me six times today he loved me.  its amazing what a little thanks can do.

i was sitting outside thinking about writing this post and what i would put in it, and even though its 95f out, i still got goosebumps.

im married to a great man.  after 7.5 years together we still act like sweethearts.  we still hold hands hands and hug in public; we still tell each other frequently “i love you.”

i dont know how it got to be this way.  it definitely wasnt always easy (admittedly the hardest time were mostly always my fault; ive been immature. i admit it.).  since we got married 2.5 years ago, things just seem to have gotten so much better.  i think we’ve only ever had one real fight in that time.  everything has just been really good and smooth sailing as they say.

i dont know why im so lucky or so blessed to have him, but i am very thankful.

my favorite part of the day is when i wake up next to him and get to snuggle up and hold him.  when he wakes up, he always reaches out his arm to see if im next to him.  that little touch and pat makes me feel so needed, so loved.

i love my husband.

… i should really write in here more often and not just when im pissy or depressed or whiney.

really, i have nothing much to complain about and i shouldnt complain as much as i do.  life is pretty good. like i said before, i graduated and did pretty damn well with school.  things between me and jim have just been excellent. i dont think anyone could be more happily married.  except for a minor sprain to walter’s tail, the dogs are doing fine and are healthy. we have a nice chunk of money set aside in our savings for a house. im sure we have more money saved than most couples our age do (although i admit, thats all due to jim).  everything is pretty darn good.

ok, so what am i pissed about now? .. how little my life and accomplishments mean to people.

i just graduated suma cum laude from college. do i get a party? no.  however there will be a graduation party thrown at my house for someone else.  yes. a graduation party for someone else at my house.  i tried to slyly crawl my way into it, make it my party as well, but was quickly shot down. i invited four people, four “friends,” and all said yes originally and 12-24 hours later all sayed “opps! sorry. can’t do it!”  so none of my friends will be at the party to commiserate with me about the irony of how this isnt my party.

i tried asking:  hey, can we have this kind of cake? “no.” can we have this kinda food? “no.” can i have one small $11 bottle of jager for myself? “no.”  to all of this i snidely replied “well some kind of graduation party i get to have.”  of course i was quickly told “its not a graduation party! its a get together.”  *rmfe*

plus i get to be chauffeur to the batty old people (perhaps this is why i dont get jager) and im sure since no one my age will be around with me, ill get to be on kiddie duty.  i am 26 fucking years old. no, i DONT want to play hide and go seek with you or wii all day while i watch everyone else get wasted!

so what the fuck is going on? why am i treated like the redheaded stepchild?  isnt my accomplishments and my life worth celebrating? if not, why the fuck not?  i didnt have a sweet 16 party. i didnt have an 18th party. i didnt have a 21 party.  i didnt have a graduation party for hs or for when i completed my aa.  fuck! i didnt even have a god damn reception after my wedding!

why cant i have one, just ONE FUCKING ONE, party that celebrates some big milestone or accomplishment in my life???

and you know what else is pissing me off? these people that think “ohhh, im friends with her so i can tell her whatever i think and she’ll be cool with it.”  NO.  no i will NOT be cool with you telling me some damn insensitive thing you want.  telling me that im fat, not pretty enough and going to lose my man because of it, implying that im still an unemployed looser, and saying “yeah, i just really dont want to go to your party” is going to fucking upset me.   just because i try and be cool and dont mind what you drink, what kind of drugs you do, what fucking shade you are, who you hang out with, or where you put your own genitalia does not mean that i have dont have any feelings and wont get insulted.

i mean… what. the. fuck.   seriously?  seriously dude/ttes?  you really think im not going to care and not feel the slightest bit hurt?

god i wish i just had the balls to say “fuck you” to their faces.  god i so badly just want to flip them the bird and say “fuck you.”  maybe say it in a little song with a melody.  fuck you. fuck you. fuck fuck fuck you.

but what do i do? in shock, and im sure with a dash of shame, i say “oh. ok. i understand.”  but deep down, i dont.  i just dont.  am i not good enough? am i not worthy enough? why dont you like me? why dont you care how you make me feel?

and i know in the end… im just like a kicked puppy. ill take the abuse, the shame, the injustice, but whenever you call and need a friend, ill be right there like a loyal dog, believing that things will be different this time.

.. the only things i really want for christmas this year are:

• pjs
• new power cord for my laptop

i feel kinda low… so far it seems like my fear of losing my new best friend is kinda coming true.  im not sure if i did something wrong or if it was just a bad pick or what.. ive invited her to two separate things in the past week and ive been brushed off and told “ill call you later” and never was.

i always seem to find these people who want to be my friend when we’re in school together, but dont want to continue being my friend after. what else am i left to think other than there must be some sort of defect in me?  something that makes me just not capable of human interaction.  they say friends come and go, but mine always go and go and go and never seem to come.

some days i feel like dexter… going around and faking pleasantries all day long.  pretending i am normal and completely capable of forming relationships with people.  i am not.  carrying around my own dark passengers.. my own demons.

somedays, i feel incapable of smiling.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

someone my husband works with invited me to a party they are having; an all female “sex in the city party.”  my mom overheard us talking about it… i think she thinks it will involve a massive lesbian orgy or all of us going into the city to have sex. only my mom!

he already rsvp’ed yes for me. so i guess im going. its byob. so i guess im drinking, and alone because i wont know anyone there.  meh.

so its that time in my life again when everything is starting to change.  last night was my last official class night with NAU.  i start my student teaching in january and graduate in may.

after class last night, my cohort and i went to a local bar for karaoke. it was a lot of fun hanging out with everyone in an informal setting. i drank too much, but i dont think i mad too much of an ass out of myself. the highlight of the night was my tipsy best friend hitting on a lesbian there who said “yeah, i would do you if you’re friend would join us” (meaning me!)

i woke up today a little achy; alcohol and my IIH dont go well together. its why i dont drink that often.  but really, i woke up today sad with a deep realization that the friends and associates ive made, i will most likely not see again. three people are doing their student teaching in other districts. i dont think anyone is going to the graduation ceremony. at least three people are talking about moving out of state after graduation.

i made two/three really close friends. one has really become my best friend. for me, that is a lot of people to call friends and i never really had a real best friend before; its big. i know of those three, two i most likely will not see again since they’re not from town and will be in other districts. my best friend is in town and will be in my school district, but i just have this fear that our friendship will slip away like all the rest.

im scared that when student teaching starts ill find out that i cant cut it. im afraid that if i end up doing really well with my student teaching and i find out that i absolutely love teaching, that i wont be able to get a job because school districts around here will be laying off.

for the first time in a long, long time, i feel really scared and really uncertain.

someone said to me the other day something along the effects of i’m more ‘one of the guys’ than just another chick. this got me thinking… why is this so? sure, some would argue nature vs nurture and all that that entails, but i believe it falls down to both categories.

i’ve never really liked girls or been one that feels that i need to hang in a huge clique of girls. i remember playing more with the boys and liking blocks and cars, toys that are stereotypically male. i guess it probably has always been nature that made me a bit of a tomboy.

personally, i cant stand those groups of giggling loud girls. i can’t blame them of course; its their nature. (don’t get me wrong though; i did have female friends. however, i always felt more comfortable around boys). the question to ask: why am i not one of those girls? why is it that i cant stand them? this, i believe, falls into nurture/environment category.

i guess one of the things i havent talked about before is how when i was in school i was systematically tortured (through immense emotional and some physical abuse) by girls. it was these same cliques of girls who would band together like a pack of rabid giggling and glittery hyenas and attack anyone, both those in and outside of their pack. i was no exception to this rule.

however, my ‘girl trouble’ didnt just start and end with those in my peer group, but also with those who i considered good friends. i learned quickly with some of my female friends, even close ones, that they would have no problems using you. i never was a friend, but a tool to many of my so-called friends. i would be used as a bank (they were my friends, i had no problem with giving whatever money i had in my pocket. it would be pointed out to my by other friends that some were taking advantage of me, something i didnt realize until i got older), a place-holder (someone to sit or stand with in a group, so they wouldn’t look alone), or just someone to compare to (sadly, a few friends looked down their noses at me just in order to make themselves feel bigger).

behaviour such as this was something i never experienced around my male peers, who were so much more laid back and had some sense of loyalties. after the daily drama of being around girls, it was so refreshing to be around a boy who would just tell you what they thought with no secret or hidden agenda. (a younger male will never have trouble telling you what they think of you. it seems like it is not until they get older that they learn to lie in order to tiptoe around the female insecurities and emotions). i think that this was what started my deviation from being ‘one of the girls’ to ‘one of the guys.’ i would rather hang out with people who would say “yeah, you’re a jerk” and treat you like they knew you were a jerk, than to hang out with people who would pretend to be your best friend and backstab you the moment you turned around by spreading vicious rumors and lies. it just so happened that the first group of people are typically males and the second group of people are typically females.

even to this day i notice females (i hate to call them women, because it implies adulthood, confidence, maturity that these chicks just dont have) that still fall into their packs of glittery giggling hyenas. thankfully, my eyes have been open a bit more since the days of primary and secondary schools. i see them for what they are and i just cant seem to force myself to fall into what it means to be female in this day and age.

while i write this, i think.. it does go a bit beyond nature vs. nurture but into the very being of stereotyping the sexes. after being silent for so many years and taking crap from so many females, well, one day i just snapped and said i had enough of it. unfortunately, that snap also occurred with a crack and a girls bloody nose. violence, of course, being strictly a male thing to do. girls aren’t suppose to get into physical fights. i guess this would be considered the day i severed all of my ties or any hopes of ever being ‘one of the girls.’ it was right around that time that i realized i should stand up for myself and speak out more. i realized i didnt want to be the wallflower that everyone smeared shit on. it was like someone flicked a light switch that made me realize i could just say “fuck this shit!” good girls, as we know, do not swear.

another turning event at this time was my slipping into that school category of ‘goth.’ (not the whiny, mopey, poetry writing kind, but give me a black outfit, some steel-toed boots, and my marilyn manson cds and i was good to go). again, this did not help me align myself with the girls. girls do not wear black or steel-toed boots or listen to manson; thats more of the of stereotypical male metal rocker. of course by the time i was most into this was the time of columbine. with my previous act of violence at school, one person (a male; oh such a straightforward and honest male!) did openly question me about it and if i would do something similar. yeah… girls do not go and commit massive acts of violence at school. not that i would ever do this or even ever thought of it… it just goes to illustrate that those around me were starting to see me more as a male than a female.

by 9th grade, i pretty much had a metaphorical penis. for all intents and purposes, i was square in the middle of ‘one of the guy’ territory. ive been there ever since. i could bemoan how i’m not girly enough. if i cut my hair any shorter, i’m sure i would look like a bull dyke. i try and be more girlish; get my nails done, put on make up, attempt to love clothes shopping, but its just not me. id rather spend my money and time on video games or sci-fi movies.

i am entrenched in ‘one of the guys’ land… i might as well enjoy it: kick back, have a stiff drink and a smoke, be crass, and enjoy the fact that i’m not a silly glittery giggling hyena.

no real reason why… ive been pretty busy. we went for a two week vacation. we went back to pa, but decided to drive across country instead of fly. we took the long way home and spent a little bit of time in wilmington, nc (one of my new favorite towns) and myrtle beach, sc. right after that i started a make-up class. i had to drop out of it when i got sick last year. it was a semester length class in a month. it was hard, but i survived it with my 4.0 intact.

i have two weeks off before classes start back up. i’m missing my cohort friends and it will be good to see them again.

i’m currently reading “the hour i first believed” by wally lamb. he truly is one of the greatest authors ever. he is absolutely tied with flannery o’connor as my favorite writer. i’m down 600 pages in 4days. its a long book, but he is such a talented writer that it is hard to put the book down and the reading just flies by. i read a wonderful line today that said “embrace the suck.” somedays, you just gotta wake up and embrace the suck.

im tired and depressed and slightly irked about a situation that i’m powerless to do anything about. its starting to give me headaches and turn my stomach just thinking about it.

healthwise, everything is the same. i guestimate that i’ve lost about 40-50% of my vision in my right eye. i have good days and bad days with it. some days i can see a little more and some are dark and blurry days. it hit me today how this is most likely permanent damage that will have changed my life forever. if i ever have children, i can never hold him/her on my right hip and walk about; i might walk them into something. i still have a pretty bad blind-spot and still walk into things and get spooked when people just appear out of nowhere next to me. luckily, my headaches have virtually gone away. i am very thankful for that. i can live with the blindness (be it grudgingly), but the headaches, at times, could be debilitating.

i broke my diet on vacation and forgot about it after we came back. this week i’ve started it up again. it took a bit of whining and prodding, but jim got me back into going to the gym. i forgot how much i like it. of course i lifted too much on my second day and pulled/strained a muscle in my shoulder. i was a little grumpy about that. i shouldve known better. i still remember my weightlifting classes in high school; i knew i shouldve gone slower / did less.

i kinda made up with an old friends. it was very good to hear from her and talk to her. however, i’ve started to take on jim’s sleep-schedule, making me sleep days since he works nights, and i havent been able to talk to her since that initial conversation. i feel a bit bad about that.

the other day, i noticed that there was something stuck under my space bar, so i popped it off and cleaned it out… of course now my space bar isnt working right. i have to beat the living crap out of it just to get a space. *grrr*

my favorite part of the days: jim saying “they’ll be shitting in style!” (in reference to my mom buying a new kitty litter box). this is closely followed by jim saying “i feel so bad, i tried to kill your mom!” (in reference to him starting to drive off while she was halfway out of the door when he was dropping her off in front of a store. “no, that wasn’t the door closing. that was the door opening!”)