the barometric pressure is changing; a cold (well, cooler) front is moving in.  that means terrible headaches / migraines for me.  i feel like shit.   i never had many headaches before i got sick, but now i seem to have one constantly, and pressure changes just seem to magnify them and turn them into migraines.      it started last night.. i took two tramadol and they only dulled the pain and didnt take it away completely. i have more i can take, but i dont want to sleep the whole day away.

i went to the plastic surgeon today to have my scar removed. they excised it and then took it to a lab. it came back that it was a basal cell carcinoma; the most common type of skin cancer. i have a two inch long scar now that goes from my nose to my lip. im swollen, hurt, and my eye looks a little bruised.

im still trying to come to terms with what it all means. i meet the dr in a week. she’ll give me a referral to a dermatologist who i will have to start to see. since i’ve had it once, i have a higher chance of getting it again.

no real reason why… ive been pretty busy. we went for a two week vacation. we went back to pa, but decided to drive across country instead of fly. we took the long way home and spent a little bit of time in wilmington, nc (one of my new favorite towns) and myrtle beach, sc. right after that i started a make-up class. i had to drop out of it when i got sick last year. it was a semester length class in a month. it was hard, but i survived it with my 4.0 intact.

i have two weeks off before classes start back up. i’m missing my cohort friends and it will be good to see them again.

i’m currently reading “the hour i first believed” by wally lamb. he truly is one of the greatest authors ever. he is absolutely tied with flannery o’connor as my favorite writer. i’m down 600 pages in 4days. its a long book, but he is such a talented writer that it is hard to put the book down and the reading just flies by. i read a wonderful line today that said “embrace the suck.” somedays, you just gotta wake up and embrace the suck.

im tired and depressed and slightly irked about a situation that i’m powerless to do anything about. its starting to give me headaches and turn my stomach just thinking about it.

healthwise, everything is the same. i guestimate that i’ve lost about 40-50% of my vision in my right eye. i have good days and bad days with it. some days i can see a little more and some are dark and blurry days. it hit me today how this is most likely permanent damage that will have changed my life forever. if i ever have children, i can never hold him/her on my right hip and walk about; i might walk them into something. i still have a pretty bad blind-spot and still walk into things and get spooked when people just appear out of nowhere next to me. luckily, my headaches have virtually gone away. i am very thankful for that. i can live with the blindness (be it grudgingly), but the headaches, at times, could be debilitating.

i broke my diet on vacation and forgot about it after we came back. this week i’ve started it up again. it took a bit of whining and prodding, but jim got me back into going to the gym. i forgot how much i like it. of course i lifted too much on my second day and pulled/strained a muscle in my shoulder. i was a little grumpy about that. i shouldve known better. i still remember my weightlifting classes in high school; i knew i shouldve gone slower / did less.

i kinda made up with an old friends. it was very good to hear from her and talk to her. however, i’ve started to take on jim’s sleep-schedule, making me sleep days since he works nights, and i havent been able to talk to her since that initial conversation. i feel a bit bad about that.

the other day, i noticed that there was something stuck under my space bar, so i popped it off and cleaned it out… of course now my space bar isnt working right. i have to beat the living crap out of it just to get a space. *grrr*

my favorite part of the days: jim saying “they’ll be shitting in style!” (in reference to my mom buying a new kitty litter box). this is closely followed by jim saying “i feel so bad, i tried to kill your mom!” (in reference to him starting to drive off while she was halfway out of the door when he was dropping her off in front of a store. “no, that wasn’t the door closing. that was the door opening!”)

i cant believe this is what gets me blogging again!

i still feel like crap, but slowly getting better. im now able to hold down fluids, but im still feeling a bit nausious. i was throwing up so violently last night that i pulled some stomach muscles. i feel like ive done a million crunches. this of course makes me feel even more nausiated.

luckily my jim has been so sweet and caring the whole time. hes gotten me water (and then just ice chips when we found out i couldnt keep water down) and made me ice tea. he’s rubbed my back and snuggled me to make me feel better.  he offered to take me to urgent care or the er since i was so ill. (the pain in my stomach was so bad i was actually crying). last night, he was even willing to kiss me good night; germy, smelly, sick and all. if that isnt true and unconditional love, i dont know what is.

ive been up since 11am yesterday. i tried sleeping, but have only been able to get 5-10mins here and there.  now im just wondering if i should just stay up the rest of the day and go to bed after jim gets home and into bed too. i took a shower to get the stank off of me and im in the middle of washing my bed sheets. im hoping it will make me feel better and make it easier to sleep.  its also a good time to change out the flannel sheets.

so over the past week or two, ive been getting letters from my insurance company stating the charges from my hospital trip..  ive been getting them for each individual doctors. they’ve been roughly $800 for their little 5minute daily visits into my room. (now i see why moms want their kids to grow up to be drs!) i got one bill from the local ER that i visited first. nearly $4,000 just for the tests they did (blood and ct). today i got a bill from the chandler ER that i went to…  almost $40,000.  i just about shit myself. it didnt break it down; it just said “hospital” so we’re not sure if thats covering all of my tests and things or just my hospital stay…

i understand a lot better now the need and push for universal health care.  all of this came on so suddenly and so unexpectedly. if i hadnt been married to jim, i think i might have been SOL. :(  i know my parents insurance was set to cut me off because of my age and we’re still having headaches with them even though i’m not under them anymore. (even though we’ve told them multiple times, i still dont think they know *sighs*rme* they’re really shitty).  i cant imagine what someone in the same circumstances, but without insurance, would do.

… then to be told that this will most likely be a lifetime condition that would require out-of-the-blue hospital visits just makes it all the more frightening.  i just feel so lucky and blessed to have my jim and my mom helping me get through all of this.

im still not doing all that great. my vision is slowly, slowly, slowly getting better, but its still pretty bad. im still having pretty nasty headaches daily. (i hate using the term “headaches”.. its a horrible, terrible, excruciating pain, like im getting stabbed in the brain; its not just a headache…). i take pain medicine for them that just knock me out.  luckily the pain mostly comes on in the afternoon / evening.  so ive been going to bed earlier and earlier.  i’m still trying to figure out when and how to take my pills that are suppose to make me better and keep the pressure down.  its been hard.  i’m bad with remembering to take my pills.  again, luckily i have my mom and jim to keep an eye on me and make sure i take it.  on top of it all, ive been really sick with an upset stomach.. kinda like i have the flu. i’ve had it off and on (a few days a week)  ever since i was at the hospital. i cant help but think that it has to be from all of the pills that im taking and juggling around all of the time. i hate the thought of taking 2, 3, 4, 5 different pills together, but there just isnt enough hours in the day to seperate everything and take things with enough time between them all.

through it all, ive come away from this feeling like there is a separation between my conscious / thinking self and my body. first i was struggling with my body to do what the doctors told me to do for the spinal tap. now i’m struggling with it to take my pills. i just gag and choke on them. its like my body is just saying “no more fucking pills!!” and then they start to disolve and get bitter and taking them has just become a nasty experience lately.
i went out today with my mom and i managed to buy one christmas present for jim.  i feel so good about that. i know that no matter how sick i am or will get between now and christmas, i at least have one thing for him.

so i updated my wordpress.. something that i haven’t done in ages and in a million wordpress upgrades. so now i’m trying to get use to its very different and new interface. i’m not really feeling the new interface and its going to take me a while to get use to it.
i dropped my summer classes and changed my emphasis/endorsement from early care and education (ece) to history/social studies. ece is considered a specialized endorsement and none of my ece credits would have transfered. i would have to have taken many of the same courses all over again.  so changing it allows my history credits to transfer over..  i only need one more history for the endorsement.

while i’m working at that, i’m going to finish up my AA in ece. i’m just a few credits shy of it, so i might as well finish it.
so i’m reading the national news and its just so scary.. unemployment is rising, the price of gas is increasing, the price of everything is increasing..  i think its good that we are where we are. both of my parents and jim have really good, secure jobs and are making more money here than what they did in pa. i know when i’m good to go to start teaching, that there will be plenty of jobs here for me.  they’re going to be opening up a new school every year for the next four years here to help with the city’s population boom. the nau advisor told me that the neighboring town was hiring people to teach who didnt even have their teaching certification.  so i know that in two years ill have a secure job.  everything is really good here.. i feel pretty blessed.

today i go for a one-month follow up with holiday. i think i might ask to be bumped up on my seroquel and i need to get a new prescription for my xanax.  i went to a plastic surgeon on monday who said that my scar was a sabacious cyst.  i was reading up on it and it doesnt sound like thats what it is, but she’s the doctor.. i told her i wanted to make sure the insurance would cover it and she said that they would have to send in pictures of it to the insurance to check.. it would take about 4wks.. if they dont cover it, its in the 540range and jim said we can pay for it ourselves. she said that they do it there in their office. she would inject lidocaine around it, excise it (cut it out), and then stitch it up. it will give me a more fine, straight-line scar. so that would be nice.

im starting to upload pictures from our trip. i didn’t realize that a hiccup made me loose my gallery. so i’m in the process of putting the gallery back up and my other pictures back up as well. ill probably finish it today.

so i went to the dr the other day. she gave me scripts for two of the things i’m taking now (w/ refills for 5mos). the third thing, she had given me a script for a LOT of (90) the very first visit. she told me that when i start getting low on that to just call in and tell them what dosage i’m currently taking (i’m allowed to play around with it) and they’d call in a new script to my pharmacy. *dances* so every thing is pretty damn good.

i did have an appointment with a plastic surgeon for monday at 3pm, but it was in mesa and NOBODY liked the idea of me driving by myself up to mesa. so after some pouting and whining i called and canceled my appointment. i started thinking about it more and, well, it really is best that someone go with me. they might tell me things that i wont understand or things that i will forget. so its for the best that someone comes with me. so when i called i got their off-hour call-in center. they said they would fax them a note saying i’m canceling my appointment and want to reschedule. the drs office will get that on monday and are suppose to call me on monday to reschedule. i’m gunna try and make it for the 2nd or the 9th. *fingers crossed* mom said even if i can get it an hour later on monday, she would be able to go with me after her work, but i highly doubt i’d be able to do that..

… i did something the other day. something that i’ve done before. usually i’ve done it when i was pissy and in a “purge”-mood. but this time i wasn’t in that mood.. this time it was “ah, -shrugs- oh well,” and had a feeling of 1) its been coming to this and 2) i’m gunna do it sooner or later so how about right now. something could be said sooner or later, but either which way, i wont get and wont have to hear it. every thing’s all blocked. its been coming from a long time.

people, family included, have been really snubby and snobbery lately, and before it just made me angry and now with this great little pills its like “eh. i don’t care. fuck it. i don’t need you in my life anyways.” my life is just fine the way it is with my mom and jim and my puppies. everything else it just background and i really don’t give a care anymore whats in the background. just as long as i have what i need - and i already do - and it doesnt include you if you happen to stumble across this and read this. (i’ve said for years that you need an attitude adjustment and it will cost you friends; its why you cant keep any friends.)

“What ever happened to me and you is on page 672
and thats the end of the book so fuck you.
Because I never wanna fucking see you again.
You’ve always been a bitch , since I can remember when.
You irritate my brain and you’re driving me insane.
No, I never wanna fucking see your ugly ass again.
Why did you have to be such a bitch.
I said you fucking bitch.”

- Rich Hardesty

(oh, yeah, btw, you’re turning into a total slut.)

oh wow.. that went on a lil rant that i wasn’t planning on it going on. lol.

so i came to post about something else but saw that i left a huge ass long post last time and should probably do a follow up on it.

i went to my old dr last week; ok, she’s not a dr but a nurse practitioner, but i like her and feel comfortable with her (something i cant say about many drs that have been in and out of my life).  my whole time spent with her in the exam room ended up being a little over an hour. most of the conclusions that were said were things that i already guessed about.

for the past week, ive been on a trial of three different things.  for me, i’m taking a lot of pills; five a day. three of one kind through out the day and two at night. i can only sum them as being absolutely delicious. (ok, the one tastes nasty and bitter and i have to cut it in half and take half a pill and the bitter taste of broken pill makes me want to puke, but it makes me feel delicious). my anxiety and panic attacks have almost completely gone away. i still get stressed and anxious on big things, but its not to the point any more where i’m making myself physically sick from it. im not worried about this since one cant eliminate all stress from life.

one of the pills i take at night is (among other things) a sedative. i never knew that it was possible to sleep so well.  i’ve never been a good sleeper. i’ve always had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep; i’m a light sleeper. the least little noise and i’m up; the least little light and i can’t sleep. but the one-a-night pill just knocks me the hell out after about 20mins. as soon as my head hits the pillow, i’m out for 9-11hrs.  one morning i had to wake up early, and i was a lil groggy and yawny, but ok awake. i’ve never slept so good in my entire life. its just great.

the biggest plus to all of this is that my mind is quiet.. i’m not obsessing over things and getting myself worked up into panics about others. i’m not always thinking “why didn’t i get that part in the 4th grade play,” “whatever happened to my best friend, autumn, from preschool,” “that’s such a nice name. i wonder if jim would let me name our future daughter autumn,” “i didn’t do that homework assignment well enough, i’m gunna fail that class,” “i should send a letter to my high school history teacher thanking him for being my favorite,” “i should send a letter to my high school english teacher who failed me and let him know what a real terrible prick of a teacher he is and rub in all of my writing awards in his ugly old face and ask him what he’s done with his writing; what? nothing, because you’re an old, washed-up asshole who can only get a job working at a public school? yeah. judge me now as being inferior.” *coughs* etc. etc. etc.   yeah. all of thats gone..

i now know what its like to be a man and just sit and have a blank mind. its so calm and tranquil.  i’ve been enjoying things more. i’ve been able to enjoy things more with my mind clear and not all over the place. i just feel really relaxed.

i go back this friday for a follow up.  my 3x day was a 0-refill script and i’m hoping we can adjust that because i dont want to stop taking them. the other two were given to me as starter packs. i’ll be done with both of them by friday, so hopefully i’ll get a full script for them as well.  the sedative one was given to me in a starter pack that went 50, 100, 200, 300mg, a 4pack of 200, and a 4pack of 100.  the three hundred was a bit much for me. it left me really groggy the next day and i slept for like 12hours. so i just wanna stick with the 200mg. *fingers crossed*

so basically i’m taking a lot of pills and feeling very wooooo and free and happy. -l-

also when i was at the drs last week, jim had me ask about something else.. my rt friends and associates know, but none of my vt friends do..  but i have a facial scar. it started as an open wound about 7years ago.  it was an open wound for about a year+. i hated the look of a scab on my face and would pick at the scab and just make it worse.  now i have a nasty scar. the skin is pretty thin there and it can break open easily if i wash my face with an exfoliant or, hell, even just a little too rough with a wash rag.  i know that there is a chance that since its was open for an extended period and breaks open easily that there is a chance it could be (or become) cancerous. so i was at first given a referral to a dermatologist, but then they found out that they dont do scars. so now i have to go to a plastic surgeon on monday and get a consultation/evaluation. it will be covered by our insurance, but after that i have to have anything they want to do checked first to make sure it’s covered.  i’m like 98% confident that anything done will be covered since i’m not doing it for cosmetic purposes. i’m doing it because it’s a nasty scar/wound that needs taken care of before it becomes worse. its something that i’ve been needing to do for a long time, but have been putting it off because i’m too chicken shit..

…but now i just dont care -l-  i love these pills. -l-

no, but seriously the overwhelming theme of late is that i want to get in the best possible health for my husband. i dont really care much about my physical health for me, but i care for him. i want to be a healthy lulu for him.

so i was reading this article about how terrible bottled water is. its as expensive as gasoline by the gallon, fiji exports it but doesnt have their own fresh drinking water, and of course its filling landfills. and then people complain about how water has no taste and blahblahblah and its just friggen water.. but lemme tell you, water is pretty damn important.  other people might not be able to taste the differences, but i can. i couldnt even use the arizona water to brush my teeth (i would snag bottled water); it was just that gnarly and nasty. i still cant drink the water here, but i can now brush my teeth with it.  what we’re doing now is we bought a water cooler and get 5gal jugs of water.. we go through it pretty quick and use it for our drinking water. we refill them at refilling stations (which are pretty popular and can be found at most grocery stores or gas stations).  it says it has like a five step purification process. it really takes the nastyness out of the tap water.

i’m updating this after my trip home to washington at the end of may…  i love the tap water at home.. i can drink it by the barrels. it has a very mineral, filling taste. i loved it while i was there. i came home and went back to jug water here.. and now it tastes lacking to me. it doesnt have that really good mineral-y taste and it tastes like a ghost water.. acceptable, but not satisfying.

i’m really happy. its spring (which is summer-ish back home), the sun is shining, the pool is crystal clear, and life is good. our neighbor has planted some wildflowers/poppies in their yard and some have migrated into our yard.  they’re so pretty looking. its really a… (and i almost hate to say it).. a great time to be in arizona.

sunday me and jimmy took the boys to the dog park. it wasnt a great trip by my standards (had a few run-ins with some mexicans; a woman who was at a dog park and didnt like dogs. a group of older teens/young 20somethings who brought their 2-3m/o puppies and were letting their young kids awkwardly hold and hurt the puppies.), but the dogs still seemed to like it.  sunday was also the first day in the pool, albeit a quick trip in. woo was hot from the park and i was upset. he got in to cool off and i tossed on my ‘kini and jumped in after him.  yeah.. it still gets down to the high 30s / low 40s here at night. it was pretty damn cold and we both jumped out pretty quickly. it was really like ice water. we misplaced the thermometer for the pool, so i’m not exactly sure how cold it is.

yesterday, monday, me and jim kinda slept in and got a late start.  we stayed in until my mom came home from work and then the three of us went out and did some shopping at sams club and target. the dogs are really starting to love our costo / sam’s trips. it means they get brought home a bag of pigs ears and turkery/chicken jerky. you know, we spent a ton of money there, but i can barely remember what all we got now. we got some fucking *fantastic* shrimp. i was playfully asking jim last night if he could run back up there before work and grab me some more. next week we’re so going back and i’m going to stock up. mmmmshimp. yum. :D  i had to pick up a lot of little things from target that costco didnt have, like my shampoo and a body wash that had a smell i liked. we picked up the new juno soundtrack. we saw it a few weeks ago and both commented after the movie that we really liked their soundtrack. its really kickass.
oooh. and we also picked up season 1 of dexter. we didn’t get a chance to watch it last night, and probably wont get to tonight either; so hopefully tomorrow night we can start watching some of it. i really like the tv on dvd option. its great getting to just cuddle up on the couch together and watch a few episodes of a show.

still, me and jim are planning on going to walmart tonight after work. there were some things i couldnt get at either place yesterday. the walmart trip is always unavoidable *sighs*

since i started my ‘diet,’ i’ve lost like 10-15lbs. yaay!

we finished gears of war this past week. he has some wwii fighter game for the ps3 that he wants us to start playing next, but we only have one controller for it; we need to pick up another one, but it sucks to have to spend like $50 for it.  instead i talked him into starting super mario galaxy.  it took a while to get use to. you’re pretty much flying through space, landing on shit, and walking on it. at time you’re actually walking upside down on a ball-like shape and cant see whats coming at you or where you’re going. its tricky.

tonight/tomorrow is going to be busy, busy, busy! i have discussion board work to do for my classes tonight. one is kinda crappy. i need to interview a female family member about their pregnancy and labor. yeah. for me that pretty much leaves my mom. i dont wanna hear the gross stuff that i have to ask. bleck! tomorrow morning (at 9am! eeeep!) i have an appointment to meet with the adviser from NAU.  i received my letter (yesterday! YAAAAY!) that i’ve been accepted to NAU, but i need to go and apply to their school of education (their education department) now. so i wanna take with me a filled out application and the essay that they request for admission. i think i also need a letter of recommendation from a teacher. luckily i already have it.  so tonight i have a lot of work to do.  tomorrow, i’m going to go in like an hour early and do some of the things that i need to do at the college. i need to change my name, pick up a refund check, and i just wanna check in with the lady that processes the graduation stuff and be 110% sure that i will be graduating this may.  that means that ill need to be up at  6tomorrow to be there by 8.  double-bleck!  there are nights this past week that i didnt even go to bed until 4 or 5am.

for some reason, i’ve been loving and craving unsweetened ice tea. all i want is a nice cold unsweetened ice tea.

for some other reason, jim has been spoiling me rotten lately; not that i’m complaining.  :lol:  two weeks ago i was having trouble finding some jeans that i like in my size.  i found out that they’re pretty much discontinued.  luckily i found them online (and on sale!) and he bought me a few pairs of them. then last week he bought me a new pair of croc sandals. (i wore them out yesterday for the first time. i *love* them. they’re the best. croc shoes are amazingly comfortable).  two nights ago, we went out for a drive around town. when we came home, i noticed that someone had left an avon magazine by the door. i flipped through it and found a buncha things i liked. i went online and found a bunch more things i liked. well, jimny let me get them too. mostly some light, natural make-up and a few make-up brushes. we started talking last night about getting a magazines subscription. i’ve been looking today and am down to three choices: cosmo, readers digest, and fido friendly (a doggy travel magazine).

well, the day isnt getting any earlier and i have a shitload to do, so..