if you dont celebrate points in a life, does that mean a life isnt worth celebrating? if a life isnt worth celebrating, whats the point of living?

from coupland..

• Once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.
  
• As we age we passionlessly assess what we have and what we lack, and then go about making the best of it, like an actor who goes from playing leads to playing character roles; like a party girl who goes from being a zany kook to being a cautionary tale for the younger girls.

• By twenty-five you know you’re never going to be a rock star, by thirty you know you’re never going to be a dentist, and by forty there are maybe three things left that you can still be - and even then, that’s only if you run as fast as you possibly can to try to catch the train.

• A day in which nothing bad happens is a miracle, a day in which all things that could have gone wrong didn’t. The dull day is a triumph of the human spirit, and boredom is a luxury unprecedented in the history of our species.
  
• If human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.
  
• Most of us have only two or three genuinely interesting moments in our lives; the rest is filler.
  
• New York is a theme park for people with IQs over 108.
  
• Once you see someone lose it, you can never look at them the same way again.
  
  

so i was reading through some of the pages in my blog and i realized the past year or so i’ve posted nothing but sad, miserable posts.  every single one seems to say either “im tired” or “im sick”… well, i have been tired and sick, but there have been a lot of good days in between.  i guess on those days i’m just too busy to post.  really, i guess i use my blog as a way to clear my head and purge the thoughts i cant stop thinking about.  of course, these are typically negative things that i need to purge.  i guess thats why so many of my posts are either rants or depressive mumblings.

things HAVE been good.   my eye sight is slowly getting better.  i have good days and i have bad days, but there have been a lot more good days.  my terrible headaches have completely gone away!  i still get a lot of frequent little ones; at least once a day i have a mild a headache, but thats better than the doubled-over in pain and crying headaches.  secretly, i havent been taking my pills (i admitted to jim last night that i kinda lost them ), so i’m really surprised that i’m slowly getting better and remaining at a decent place without taking them.

i just finished up my first 8wk courses for the fall semester at NAU.  i’m hoping i get out of it with my 4.0  in tact, but i’m not so sure. :(  i forgot an assignment for each class, so i’m not sure if that will drag me into the B-range.  my second 8wk classes are starting up soon.  thursday i have my first, and then next week my other two start up.   i’m a little anxious and worried.  to make up for being sick and dropping out of classes last fall,  i’ll have a monday night class with a different cohort. then i’ll have tuesday and thursday night classes with my cohort.  so it will be busy weeks for me.

on top of all that, i’m doing my practicum.  i’m working on nearby reservation with a 2nd grade class.  i absolutely LOVE them. the kids are excellent. the teacher was actually a teacher i had last fall with NAU. (she works as a 2nd grade teacher for the res and an NAU professor).  her’s was one of the classes i had to drop out of, but i did have one-to-two classes with her and she left a big impression on me.  i knew that i really wanted to see her work in a classroom and to learn more from her that i missed.  i have been having a wonderful time with her.  she’s been teaching me more of the clerical side of teaching.  i’ve been doing loads of grading, copying, filing, sorting, attendance, making sure the classroom is up to code for the clipboard kings and queens.  everyday, i’m so busy that i dont even have time to write in my journal that i’m suppose to keep. i’ve gotten really attached to the kids, and them to me, really quickly.  they have this week off for fall break and, on friday, they were coming up to me and hugging me and telling me they were going to miss me! awww!

i did have a bit of a bad day on friday through; i had trouble at the copy machine x2, got a bit emotional along with a bullied kid, and found out at the end of the day that there was some old pervert driving around and trying to pick up kids.  so at the end of the day, my nerves were shot.   i’m still worried about my kids and that that guy might be out there trying to pick them up… *sighs*… but i’m doing better.

i have my student teaching set up for the spring. i got contacted by HR in the district i will be doing it in. they needed my address so that they could send me some paperwork; apparently a checklist and whats expected of me.  when i get it, i’m suppose to read through it and give them a call to set up a meeting with one of their HR people; an informal meet-and-greet and say whats expected of me and my work there.  i’m a little nervous, naturally, but im sure it will be fine.

i did really good this spring/summer and lost like 30lbs.. then i did pretty bad this summer/fall and gained 20 back. ugh!  so i’m trying to go back on my diet.  jim, on the other hand *rme*,  has lost like 60lbs and kept it all off.  he’s doing fan-fucking-tastic.  i love going to the gym, but ive been so busy i havent had a chance to.  i’m hoping once i start my student teaching, have a set and normal schedule, i could start going before or after class.  but i’m going back on my eating-better-diet.  so fingers crossed i can loose some more and keep it off. but the upside is that i have this really good diet pills that give me tons of energy.  which is good because i really have to clean this friggen house…

because we’re having a bit of a party on friday.  its my father’s birthday and he’s invited over the aunts, uncles, and cousins.  it should be fun, but i got loads of cleaning and straightening up around the house to do.

in other news, i’ve come to realize (and i’m actually so hesitant to say this) that i have two friends.  from my cohort i’ve met two really nice people who i just seem to click with.  im stymied with the belief  that i dont do friends.  i dont know how to…  yet, some how, i manage to find myself with two semi-close friends.  not the associate type, but people who i talk to outside of class, tell perverted jokes to, and can  just open up to.  part of me kinda feels that after december, i wont see them again.  part of me is still kind of holding back and keeping closed… but another part of me so badly wants to say “hey, you wanna go out and do something?”  i guess only time will tell.  for now, its just nice to have someone to talk to.

so very, very, very much is going on.. so many things i could blog about, but instead i choose to blog about this:

im still very tired. the past few days ive been sleeping 10-12hrs and only am getting up because i know i absolutely have to. more than once this past week ive fallen asleep with the tv on. i NEVER sleep with the tv on. its just too bright and loud and keeps me up. so its very unusual for me to be able to just shuffle off to dreamland with the tv on…. but lately i have. i dont even know the tv is on until jim comes home, wakes me up to scoot me over (i sleep in the middle / his spot when he works nights. it makes the bed seem less big and lonely), and i notice that its bright and loud in the bedroom. of course then my sleepy self doesnt know whats going on and i gruff and groan about jim watching tv so loudly in the bedroom while im trying to sleep. he puts up with so much with me!

anywho…. i need to sleep.

it hasnt been a long day, but a slightly stressful day. i found out that my college bookstore royally screwed me over. it had me anxious and peeved all day.

for some reason, i just feel so tired. i cant keep yawning. i want nothing more to do than to just curl up in my bed, snuggle under the down comforter, and sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

i cant remember the last time i felt this tired.

i watched this documentary called “White Light / Black Rain” that was about the dropping of the atomic bombs. i had had it tivoed for a while, but decided to watch it tonight because there was nothing better on. i was just amazed.

what amazed me the most was the personal stories of the survivors. such strong people that went through a terrible thing… that witnessed a terrible thing. one woman told of how she and her sister survived, found their mother who didnt, and watched as she collapsed into dust. another man was horribly disfigured from burns. he just had skin cover several of his ribs on one side; worse and more graphic that anything ive seen in any holocaust photo.

it made me sad to be an american. to know that it was my government that did this to innocent men, women, and children. it made me disgusted when i heard the near gleeful tales from the men who were responsible for flying the Enola Gay and the dropping of the bombs. it made me sick to see such hurt and pain that still lies with the survivors.

they say everything we need to learn, we learned in kindergarten. be nice. don’t fight. tolerate one another. at what point do we forget these rules? at what point do we “grow up” and start to believe that it is ok to hurt, abuse, and kill one another?

i’m sure many would say i sound like some bleeding heart hippie liberal….. but what staunch republican mother or father wouldn’t secretly wish there was no such thing as war if it meant they could have their deceased child back?

Random thoughts from people our age…

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
35. Bad decisions make good stories
36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
57. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
58. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
59. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
60. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
61. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
62. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner

its just been a bad day.. almost from the start. class was canceled. i wondered what to do.. then i found out my moms car broke down at a convenience store. spent the whole afternoon and night helping her get the battery changed and thank the ppl who helped us.

came home and realized my portable hard drive is not working. it was fine a few days ago.. *poof*… craptastic now. all of my music, games, and trip pictures are on it. i dont know what to do about that.

i just want to pull my hair out, scream, cry, and give into exhaustion and go to sleep.

What Do Women Want?

by Kim Addonizio

I want a red dress.

I want it flimsy and cheap,

I want it too tight, I want to wear it

until someone tears it off me.

I want it sleeveless and backless,

this dress, so no one has to guess

what’s underneath. I want to walk down

the street past Thrifty’s and the hardware store

with all those keys glittering in the window,

past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old

donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers

slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,

hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.

I want to walk like I’m the only

woman on earth and I can have my pick.

I want that red dress bad.

I want it to confirm

your worst fears about me,

to show you how little I care about you

or anything except what

I want. When I find it, I’ll pull that garment

from its hanger like I’m choosing a body

to carry me into this world, through

the birth-cries and the love-cries too,

and I’ll wear it like bones, like skin,

it’ll be the goddamned

dress they bury me in.

ive been busy reading a lot lately. i managed to read all of the Sookie Stackhouse (TruBlood) books (which are way more amazing than the show; havent bought/read the latest one yet) and lord of the flies. i just finished reading ‘the hour i first believed’ by wally lamb. i forgot what an amazing author he is. this is only his third book with a 9year period between it and his second. it really got me thinking about religion, tragedy, and connections between people/family/ancestors. after reading the 750 pages in four days, i’m still immersed in thought over it. for now, its left me changed. everything we do, be it great or small, good or evil, it has an effect on someone; and that effect, like a pebble thrown in a lake, will ripple and effect even more.

deep man. deep.

is there a god? i cannot say. but there has to be some reason that we are all, man, animal, and plant, interconnected with a need to live in balance. is that connection god? is the ripple effect proof that god exists? is he the invisible thread that unites us all?

if not, what IS that damn little thread? gods? fate? chance? nothing?