yesterday, jim called me into the bathroom while he was showering.  he said he had a bad pain in his chest. i could tell he didnt look well and he was shaken up by it. he even sat down in the tub and i sat on the floor beside him and held his hand.  he tried to shrug it off and ignore it, and he went to work that night.  in the morning, he was still not feeling well, so he picked me up at 6am and we went to the ER here in town.  when we went in, his BP was really high. they did blood work, ekg, xray, ct scan.  luckily they all came back as normal. after a few hours there, his BP even settled down to a nice fine normal spot.  there was worry it couldve been a pulmonary embolism since he’s been traveling a lot of hours recently. the ultimate ruling?  he probably pulled a muscle in his ribs.

… the whole time, i had never been more scared in my whole life. there is nothing worse than seeing your better half hurting, in a gown, and hooked up to all kinds of buzzing and beeping monitors and machines. (made even worse by his hairy chest that kept making the leads come off and all of the sudden he would flat-line). but its over. he is fine and told he is very healthy.

still, 12 hours after leaving the hospital, i still feel horrible.

i guess it made me realize my superman is mortal. ive never seen him sick or hurting or in a lot of pain. (really; ive even asked him before why it seems like i get sick, even colds, more often then he does).  ive never seen him in the hospital.  ive never seen him as anything but this very strong man and suddenly something couldve been wrong and there was nothing i could do to help him.  nothing i could do to make it better quickly.  it was such a helpless situation.   i didnt cry in front of him. i didnt want to get him upset or worked up more while we were there. i just held it all in; but it still feels like they are there and needing to be cried.

the barometric pressure is changing; a cold (well, cooler) front is moving in.  that means terrible headaches / migraines for me.  i feel like shit.   i never had many headaches before i got sick, but now i seem to have one constantly, and pressure changes just seem to magnify them and turn them into migraines.      it started last night.. i took two tramadol and they only dulled the pain and didnt take it away completely. i have more i can take, but i dont want to sleep the whole day away.

so the other day my husband brought up the subject of having kids.  it wasnt a deep discussion, but just a passing comment that he’s ready for us to buy a house and start having children.  of course this got a little twisted in my head and became “oh my god! he wants kids NOW!”   im sure he doesnt mean right now this second, but within the next year or so.

so all i can think about are babies and pregnancy.  is it something im ready for? is it something i can do?..  my hormones are all over the place and because of it my period is screwed up.  i might skip a year, three months, or get it twice in one month.  i was taking the pill to regulate myself, but i was horrible at remembering to take it.  i know i should go back to my gyno, but, honestly, its really nice not getting your period for a while. lol   but, if im not ovulating and menstruating, i cant get pregnant and i cant get pregnant if im on the pill to regulate me.  so really im looking at having to need fertility treatments to get pregnant.

so with all of this constantly swimming around in my brain, i cant help but notice the ton of pregnant women there are when im out shopping.    they all look so young!  i feel almost like maybe im too old to even try, and then i try to remind myself that i live in a crap city and, yes, those probably are 16 and 18 yo girls who are pregnant.

but i guess they should be given credit.. at least they didnt have an abortion.  don’t get me wrong, i believe in a woman’s right to choose, but i think that choose should be a little bit limited.   recently i learned that someone im related to had an abortion.  of course she wasnt the first one in the family to do so.  geeze,  one member must have had a card “abort 5, get the 6th one free!”  with it mostly filled out and a determination to get the free one.   why?  we live in such an enlightened age.  im sure they know what causes pregnancy and what they had to do to prevent it.  they didnt care about the life in them, but only for their selfish, self-centered existence.  no doubt at the time of their abortions, they wouldnt have made good mothers; again, too selfish and immature.

why not consider adoption? there are so many couples out there who wants kids but cant have them.  (of course i just now get a flash of a horrible thought.  what if i/we have to adopt, but someone  aborts the child meant for us? — i know, a selfish thought..)

i was stumbling and came across this website of personal stories of people who have had abortions.  there were so many that they were even categorized into reasons why.  some were truly saddening.  stories of babies with terrible deformities that would never survive birth or shortly after.  i can see why abortion would be a humane option.  then there were other stories that just made me sick with the vile evil that exists in humans.  so many people aborting their pregnancies because the baby would have down’s syndrome.  “oh, it might be mentally retarded? lets just get rid of it then.”  i couldnt imagine feeling a baby inside of me, knowing that s/he is part of me and im part of him/her, and then just saying “its not good enough.  lets get rid of it.”   its your child for christ’s sake!

then i cant help but wonder, what do these people do when they have their perfect babies but they grown into their terrible threes or, worse, their teenage years?  are they so quick to dispose of them and write them off then? “too much of a hassle. lets let someone else take care of it.”  (truth be told, yes, and thats whats wrong with our educational system, but ill save that for another rant another day..)

when i got sick, i had to have a lumbar puncture.  before i had it the nurse asked me “have you had an epidural before?”  i told her no and she explained “women who have had an epidural say the lumbar puncture isnt as bad.” … that lumbar puncture hurt pretty damn bad.  in fact for my second one, they gave me morphine to deal with it.  it was so bad that obscenities were just pouring uncontrollably from my mouth.  (believe it or not i was trying hard not to curse.  when youre bare ass up in a room full of doctors, the last thing you want to be is obscene.)   i have said many times since: if a lumbar puncture is that bad, and you have something worse called an epidural to deal with even worse pain… i dont think so.  thats not for me. huh-uh. no way.  not gonna happen.

ive mentioned adoption a few times to jim. to me, it seems like a great option.  less pain and money spent on fertility treatments, pregnancy, delivery, and above all else, it is giving a great home to a child who needs one.  for some reason, i really want to adopt a girl from china.  i know there are so many of them in orphanages over there.

i know this might seem strange to compare the two, but it makes sense in my mind. me and jim have been the kind that dont go for designer dogs or buying a dog from a pet store.  if we want a dog, we go to the shelter. why go through fertility treatments and abortions (really “designing” your kid) when you can give a home to a child who desperately needs one?

i wake up yesterday and jim tells me the tivo is broken in the living room.  he looked online and apparently the hard drive overheated.  they dont make the tivos we have they use a different setup than the one we have now.  his proposed solution? buy a new hard drive with the tivo software already in it replace it ourselves.   so no tv in the living room, but hopefully by the end of the week we will have gotten our new hard drive and tripled our space (because if you’re going to replace it, why not upgrade it?)

after doing all of that and showering, it was 6ish before we got out of the house and went to a local pizza place for dinner with my mom.  we popped into frys with her and then dropped her back off at home before continuing on to do some shopping.   we went to a store and picked up some bathroom things and some shirts for jim and came back home and went to bed.

jim woke me up at 7 today.  he has an out-of-state training that he is going to and he wanted me to help him get ready and to drop him off at work and bring the car back home.  so when he wakes me up, he says “i think your phone was ringing around 5, but it was in your purse and i didnt want to go digging for it.”  … ? …  my phone? … ringing at 5?… 5 AM? … nobody but family ever calls me and the few random friends who would call, im sure would know there would be zero chance of me answering at 5 friggen am.  so i look and my phone said i had a missed call from my uncle at 6something.   we then proceeded to bicker about whether the phone rang at 5 or 6 before agreeing it probably rang at 5 and 6 when he was in the shower.   i shrug it off and figure my uncle must have butt-dialed (you know, when you sit on the phone and your butt dials a number..) me on mistake.  i ignore it.

so our morning goes on and around 8ish im in the car in the parking lot of his work while he’s inside and i send a txt message to my uncle asking if he meant to call me.  two seconds later, my phone rings and its my father. … now i should pause and point out that my father is usually off work and home by 7am-ish, but i noticed he wasnt. i figured he worked over…  so he calls, i answer, and he says “where are you?”   hmm.. a little harsh, but no biggie.  maybe mom forgot to tell him i was going with jim to bring the car home.  i tell him and he goes “im here with your uncle.  we think the starter went on the car.  he’s taking me home.”    now the curious thing is this, he never called the house.  jim was up; he says the house phone never rang.  when did he try calling? oh at 8ish when he was already 5mins from home.  why didnt he call sooner?  apparently he called my uncle first who thought to call me.  unfortunately he didnt leave a voice mail.  *grrr*   so sadly his starter is shit again, but luckily we have jim’s car with us if we need it.

and now the phone keeps ringing.  the id just says “progressive pai…”   now i dont think it scrolls and if it doesnt i dont know how to make it scroll, but im assuming it goes on to read “pain” because its a pain in my ass.   i answer “hello;” i hear “BEEEEEEEEEEP” loud enough to almost break my ear drum.  i wait to see if there is some telemarker waiting after the beep or some political message.  “hello?”  “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP“  screw it! i hang up.   guess who calls back 5mins later? …  same thing all over again.  out of curiousity, i google the number.  oh, its a fax number.  ugh.

whats going to break or drive me crazy next?

so this morning i was sitting outside and my husband came and said to me “i love you.”  i told him “thank you. i always say it first and its nice to hear you say it first.”   after i said that, he must have told me six times today he loved me.  its amazing what a little thanks can do.

i was sitting outside thinking about writing this post and what i would put in it, and even though its 95f out, i still got goosebumps.

im married to a great man.  after 7.5 years together we still act like sweethearts.  we still hold hands hands and hug in public; we still tell each other frequently “i love you.”

i dont know how it got to be this way.  it definitely wasnt always easy (admittedly the hardest time were mostly always my fault; ive been immature. i admit it.).  since we got married 2.5 years ago, things just seem to have gotten so much better.  i think we’ve only ever had one real fight in that time.  everything has just been really good and smooth sailing as they say.

i dont know why im so lucky or so blessed to have him, but i am very thankful.

my favorite part of the day is when i wake up next to him and get to snuggle up and hold him.  when he wakes up, he always reaches out his arm to see if im next to him.  that little touch and pat makes me feel so needed, so loved.

i love my husband.

… i should really write in here more often and not just when im pissy or depressed or whiney.

really, i have nothing much to complain about and i shouldnt complain as much as i do.  life is pretty good. like i said before, i graduated and did pretty damn well with school.  things between me and jim have just been excellent. i dont think anyone could be more happily married.  except for a minor sprain to walter’s tail, the dogs are doing fine and are healthy. we have a nice chunk of money set aside in our savings for a house. im sure we have more money saved than most couples our age do (although i admit, thats all due to jim).  everything is pretty darn good.

ok, so what am i pissed about now? .. how little my life and accomplishments mean to people.

i just graduated suma cum laude from college. do i get a party? no.  however there will be a graduation party thrown at my house for someone else.  yes. a graduation party for someone else at my house.  i tried to slyly crawl my way into it, make it my party as well, but was quickly shot down. i invited four people, four “friends,” and all said yes originally and 12-24 hours later all sayed “opps! sorry. can’t do it!”  so none of my friends will be at the party to commiserate with me about the irony of how this isnt my party.

i tried asking:  hey, can we have this kind of cake? “no.” can we have this kinda food? “no.” can i have one small $11 bottle of jager for myself? “no.”  to all of this i snidely replied “well some kind of graduation party i get to have.”  of course i was quickly told “its not a graduation party! its a get together.”  *rmfe*

plus i get to be chauffeur to the batty old people (perhaps this is why i dont get jager) and im sure since no one my age will be around with me, ill get to be on kiddie duty.  i am 26 fucking years old. no, i DONT want to play hide and go seek with you or wii all day while i watch everyone else get wasted!

so what the fuck is going on? why am i treated like the redheaded stepchild?  isnt my accomplishments and my life worth celebrating? if not, why the fuck not?  i didnt have a sweet 16 party. i didnt have an 18th party. i didnt have a 21 party.  i didnt have a graduation party for hs or for when i completed my aa.  fuck! i didnt even have a god damn reception after my wedding!

why cant i have one, just ONE FUCKING ONE, party that celebrates some big milestone or accomplishment in my life???

and you know what else is pissing me off? these people that think “ohhh, im friends with her so i can tell her whatever i think and she’ll be cool with it.”  NO.  no i will NOT be cool with you telling me some damn insensitive thing you want.  telling me that im fat, not pretty enough and going to lose my man because of it, implying that im still an unemployed looser, and saying “yeah, i just really dont want to go to your party” is going to fucking upset me.   just because i try and be cool and dont mind what you drink, what kind of drugs you do, what fucking shade you are, who you hang out with, or where you put your own genitalia does not mean that i have dont have any feelings and wont get insulted.

i mean… what. the. fuck.   seriously?  seriously dude/ttes?  you really think im not going to care and not feel the slightest bit hurt?

god i wish i just had the balls to say “fuck you” to their faces.  god i so badly just want to flip them the bird and say “fuck you.”  maybe say it in a little song with a melody.  fuck you. fuck you. fuck fuck fuck you.

but what do i do? in shock, and im sure with a dash of shame, i say “oh. ok. i understand.”  but deep down, i dont.  i just dont.  am i not good enough? am i not worthy enough? why dont you like me? why dont you care how you make me feel?

and i know in the end… im just like a kicked puppy. ill take the abuse, the shame, the injustice, but whenever you call and need a friend, ill be right there like a loyal dog, believing that things will be different this time.

if you dont celebrate points in a life, does that mean a life isnt worth celebrating? if a life isnt worth celebrating, whats the point of living?

.. the only things i really want for christmas this year are:

• pjs
• new power cord for my laptop

i feel kinda low… so far it seems like my fear of losing my new best friend is kinda coming true.  im not sure if i did something wrong or if it was just a bad pick or what.. ive invited her to two separate things in the past week and ive been brushed off and told “ill call you later” and never was.

i always seem to find these people who want to be my friend when we’re in school together, but dont want to continue being my friend after. what else am i left to think other than there must be some sort of defect in me?  something that makes me just not capable of human interaction.  they say friends come and go, but mine always go and go and go and never seem to come.

some days i feel like dexter… going around and faking pleasantries all day long.  pretending i am normal and completely capable of forming relationships with people.  i am not.  carrying around my own dark passengers.. my own demons.

somedays, i feel incapable of smiling.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

someone my husband works with invited me to a party they are having; an all female “sex in the city party.”  my mom overheard us talking about it… i think she thinks it will involve a massive lesbian orgy or all of us going into the city to have sex. only my mom!

he already rsvp’ed yes for me. so i guess im going. its byob. so i guess im drinking, and alone because i wont know anyone there.  meh.