.. the only things i really want for christmas this year are:

• pjs
• new power cord for my laptop

i feel kinda low… so far it seems like my fear of losing my new best friend is kinda coming true.  im not sure if i did something wrong or if it was just a bad pick or what.. ive invited her to two separate things in the past week and ive been brushed off and told “ill call you later” and never was.

i always seem to find these people who want to be my friend when we’re in school together, but dont want to continue being my friend after. what else am i left to think other than there must be some sort of defect in me?  something that makes me just not capable of human interaction.  they say friends come and go, but mine always go and go and go and never seem to come.

some days i feel like dexter… going around and faking pleasantries all day long.  pretending i am normal and completely capable of forming relationships with people.  i am not.  carrying around my own dark passengers.. my own demons.

somedays, i feel incapable of smiling.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

someone my husband works with invited me to a party they are having; an all female “sex in the city party.”  my mom overheard us talking about it… i think she thinks it will involve a massive lesbian orgy or all of us going into the city to have sex. only my mom!

he already rsvp’ed yes for me. so i guess im going. its byob. so i guess im drinking, and alone because i wont know anyone there.  meh.

so its that time in my life again when everything is starting to change.  last night was my last official class night with NAU.  i start my student teaching in january and graduate in may.

after class last night, my cohort and i went to a local bar for karaoke. it was a lot of fun hanging out with everyone in an informal setting. i drank too much, but i dont think i mad too much of an ass out of myself. the highlight of the night was my tipsy best friend hitting on a lesbian there who said “yeah, i would do you if you’re friend would join us” (meaning me!)

i woke up today a little achy; alcohol and my IIH dont go well together. its why i dont drink that often.  but really, i woke up today sad with a deep realization that the friends and associates ive made, i will most likely not see again. three people are doing their student teaching in other districts. i dont think anyone is going to the graduation ceremony. at least three people are talking about moving out of state after graduation.

i made two/three really close friends. one has really become my best friend. for me, that is a lot of people to call friends and i never really had a real best friend before; its big. i know of those three, two i most likely will not see again since they’re not from town and will be in other districts. my best friend is in town and will be in my school district, but i just have this fear that our friendship will slip away like all the rest.

im scared that when student teaching starts ill find out that i cant cut it. im afraid that if i end up doing really well with my student teaching and i find out that i absolutely love teaching, that i wont be able to get a job because school districts around here will be laying off.

for the first time in a long, long time, i feel really scared and really uncertain.

from coupland..

• Once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.
  
• As we age we passionlessly assess what we have and what we lack, and then go about making the best of it, like an actor who goes from playing leads to playing character roles; like a party girl who goes from being a zany kook to being a cautionary tale for the younger girls.

• By twenty-five you know you’re never going to be a rock star, by thirty you know you’re never going to be a dentist, and by forty there are maybe three things left that you can still be - and even then, that’s only if you run as fast as you possibly can to try to catch the train.

• A day in which nothing bad happens is a miracle, a day in which all things that could have gone wrong didn’t. The dull day is a triumph of the human spirit, and boredom is a luxury unprecedented in the history of our species.
  
• If human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.
  
• Most of us have only two or three genuinely interesting moments in our lives; the rest is filler.
  
• New York is a theme park for people with IQs over 108.
  
• Once you see someone lose it, you can never look at them the same way again.
  
  

so i was reading through some of the pages in my blog and i realized the past year or so i’ve posted nothing but sad, miserable posts.  every single one seems to say either “im tired” or “im sick”… well, i have been tired and sick, but there have been a lot of good days in between.  i guess on those days i’m just too busy to post.  really, i guess i use my blog as a way to clear my head and purge the thoughts i cant stop thinking about.  of course, these are typically negative things that i need to purge.  i guess thats why so many of my posts are either rants or depressive mumblings.

things HAVE been good.   my eye sight is slowly getting better.  i have good days and i have bad days, but there have been a lot more good days.  my terrible headaches have completely gone away!  i still get a lot of frequent little ones; at least once a day i have a mild a headache, but thats better than the doubled-over in pain and crying headaches.  secretly, i havent been taking my pills (i admitted to jim last night that i kinda lost them ), so i’m really surprised that i’m slowly getting better and remaining at a decent place without taking them.

i just finished up my first 8wk courses for the fall semester at NAU.  i’m hoping i get out of it with my 4.0  in tact, but i’m not so sure. :(  i forgot an assignment for each class, so i’m not sure if that will drag me into the B-range.  my second 8wk classes are starting up soon.  thursday i have my first, and then next week my other two start up.   i’m a little anxious and worried.  to make up for being sick and dropping out of classes last fall,  i’ll have a monday night class with a different cohort. then i’ll have tuesday and thursday night classes with my cohort.  so it will be busy weeks for me.

on top of all that, i’m doing my practicum.  i’m working on nearby reservation with a 2nd grade class.  i absolutely LOVE them. the kids are excellent. the teacher was actually a teacher i had last fall with NAU. (she works as a 2nd grade teacher for the res and an NAU professor).  her’s was one of the classes i had to drop out of, but i did have one-to-two classes with her and she left a big impression on me.  i knew that i really wanted to see her work in a classroom and to learn more from her that i missed.  i have been having a wonderful time with her.  she’s been teaching me more of the clerical side of teaching.  i’ve been doing loads of grading, copying, filing, sorting, attendance, making sure the classroom is up to code for the clipboard kings and queens.  everyday, i’m so busy that i dont even have time to write in my journal that i’m suppose to keep. i’ve gotten really attached to the kids, and them to me, really quickly.  they have this week off for fall break and, on friday, they were coming up to me and hugging me and telling me they were going to miss me! awww!

i did have a bit of a bad day on friday through; i had trouble at the copy machine x2, got a bit emotional along with a bullied kid, and found out at the end of the day that there was some old pervert driving around and trying to pick up kids.  so at the end of the day, my nerves were shot.   i’m still worried about my kids and that that guy might be out there trying to pick them up… *sighs*… but i’m doing better.

i have my student teaching set up for the spring. i got contacted by HR in the district i will be doing it in. they needed my address so that they could send me some paperwork; apparently a checklist and whats expected of me.  when i get it, i’m suppose to read through it and give them a call to set up a meeting with one of their HR people; an informal meet-and-greet and say whats expected of me and my work there.  i’m a little nervous, naturally, but im sure it will be fine.

i did really good this spring/summer and lost like 30lbs.. then i did pretty bad this summer/fall and gained 20 back. ugh!  so i’m trying to go back on my diet.  jim, on the other hand *rme*,  has lost like 60lbs and kept it all off.  he’s doing fan-fucking-tastic.  i love going to the gym, but ive been so busy i havent had a chance to.  i’m hoping once i start my student teaching, have a set and normal schedule, i could start going before or after class.  but i’m going back on my eating-better-diet.  so fingers crossed i can loose some more and keep it off. but the upside is that i have this really good diet pills that give me tons of energy.  which is good because i really have to clean this friggen house…

because we’re having a bit of a party on friday.  its my father’s birthday and he’s invited over the aunts, uncles, and cousins.  it should be fun, but i got loads of cleaning and straightening up around the house to do.

in other news, i’ve come to realize (and i’m actually so hesitant to say this) that i have two friends.  from my cohort i’ve met two really nice people who i just seem to click with.  im stymied with the belief  that i dont do friends.  i dont know how to…  yet, some how, i manage to find myself with two semi-close friends.  not the associate type, but people who i talk to outside of class, tell perverted jokes to, and can  just open up to.  part of me kinda feels that after december, i wont see them again.  part of me is still kind of holding back and keeping closed… but another part of me so badly wants to say “hey, you wanna go out and do something?”  i guess only time will tell.  for now, its just nice to have someone to talk to.

i went to the plastic surgeon today to have my scar removed. they excised it and then took it to a lab. it came back that it was a basal cell carcinoma; the most common type of skin cancer. i have a two inch long scar now that goes from my nose to my lip. im swollen, hurt, and my eye looks a little bruised.

im still trying to come to terms with what it all means. i meet the dr in a week. she’ll give me a referral to a dermatologist who i will have to start to see. since i’ve had it once, i have a higher chance of getting it again.

so very, very, very much is going on.. so many things i could blog about, but instead i choose to blog about this:

im still very tired. the past few days ive been sleeping 10-12hrs and only am getting up because i know i absolutely have to. more than once this past week ive fallen asleep with the tv on. i NEVER sleep with the tv on. its just too bright and loud and keeps me up. so its very unusual for me to be able to just shuffle off to dreamland with the tv on…. but lately i have. i dont even know the tv is on until jim comes home, wakes me up to scoot me over (i sleep in the middle / his spot when he works nights. it makes the bed seem less big and lonely), and i notice that its bright and loud in the bedroom. of course then my sleepy self doesnt know whats going on and i gruff and groan about jim watching tv so loudly in the bedroom while im trying to sleep. he puts up with so much with me!

anywho…. i need to sleep.

it hasnt been a long day, but a slightly stressful day. i found out that my college bookstore royally screwed me over. it had me anxious and peeved all day.

for some reason, i just feel so tired. i cant keep yawning. i want nothing more to do than to just curl up in my bed, snuggle under the down comforter, and sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

i cant remember the last time i felt this tired.

i watched this documentary called “White Light / Black Rain” that was about the dropping of the atomic bombs. i had had it tivoed for a while, but decided to watch it tonight because there was nothing better on. i was just amazed.

what amazed me the most was the personal stories of the survivors. such strong people that went through a terrible thing… that witnessed a terrible thing. one woman told of how she and her sister survived, found their mother who didnt, and watched as she collapsed into dust. another man was horribly disfigured from burns. he just had skin cover several of his ribs on one side; worse and more graphic that anything ive seen in any holocaust photo.

it made me sad to be an american. to know that it was my government that did this to innocent men, women, and children. it made me disgusted when i heard the near gleeful tales from the men who were responsible for flying the Enola Gay and the dropping of the bombs. it made me sick to see such hurt and pain that still lies with the survivors.

they say everything we need to learn, we learned in kindergarten. be nice. don’t fight. tolerate one another. at what point do we forget these rules? at what point do we “grow up” and start to believe that it is ok to hurt, abuse, and kill one another?

i’m sure many would say i sound like some bleeding heart hippie liberal….. but what staunch republican mother or father wouldn’t secretly wish there was no such thing as war if it meant they could have their deceased child back?

someone said to me the other day something along the effects of i’m more ‘one of the guys’ than just another chick. this got me thinking… why is this so? sure, some would argue nature vs nurture and all that that entails, but i believe it falls down to both categories.

i’ve never really liked girls or been one that feels that i need to hang in a huge clique of girls. i remember playing more with the boys and liking blocks and cars, toys that are stereotypically male. i guess it probably has always been nature that made me a bit of a tomboy.

personally, i cant stand those groups of giggling loud girls. i can’t blame them of course; its their nature. (don’t get me wrong though; i did have female friends. however, i always felt more comfortable around boys). the question to ask: why am i not one of those girls? why is it that i cant stand them? this, i believe, falls into nurture/environment category.

i guess one of the things i havent talked about before is how when i was in school i was systematically tortured (through immense emotional and some physical abuse) by girls. it was these same cliques of girls who would band together like a pack of rabid giggling and glittery hyenas and attack anyone, both those in and outside of their pack. i was no exception to this rule.

however, my ‘girl trouble’ didnt just start and end with those in my peer group, but also with those who i considered good friends. i learned quickly with some of my female friends, even close ones, that they would have no problems using you. i never was a friend, but a tool to many of my so-called friends. i would be used as a bank (they were my friends, i had no problem with giving whatever money i had in my pocket. it would be pointed out to my by other friends that some were taking advantage of me, something i didnt realize until i got older), a place-holder (someone to sit or stand with in a group, so they wouldn’t look alone), or just someone to compare to (sadly, a few friends looked down their noses at me just in order to make themselves feel bigger).

behaviour such as this was something i never experienced around my male peers, who were so much more laid back and had some sense of loyalties. after the daily drama of being around girls, it was so refreshing to be around a boy who would just tell you what they thought with no secret or hidden agenda. (a younger male will never have trouble telling you what they think of you. it seems like it is not until they get older that they learn to lie in order to tiptoe around the female insecurities and emotions). i think that this was what started my deviation from being ‘one of the girls’ to ‘one of the guys.’ i would rather hang out with people who would say “yeah, you’re a jerk” and treat you like they knew you were a jerk, than to hang out with people who would pretend to be your best friend and backstab you the moment you turned around by spreading vicious rumors and lies. it just so happened that the first group of people are typically males and the second group of people are typically females.

even to this day i notice females (i hate to call them women, because it implies adulthood, confidence, maturity that these chicks just dont have) that still fall into their packs of glittery giggling hyenas. thankfully, my eyes have been open a bit more since the days of primary and secondary schools. i see them for what they are and i just cant seem to force myself to fall into what it means to be female in this day and age.

while i write this, i think.. it does go a bit beyond nature vs. nurture but into the very being of stereotyping the sexes. after being silent for so many years and taking crap from so many females, well, one day i just snapped and said i had enough of it. unfortunately, that snap also occurred with a crack and a girls bloody nose. violence, of course, being strictly a male thing to do. girls aren’t suppose to get into physical fights. i guess this would be considered the day i severed all of my ties or any hopes of ever being ‘one of the girls.’ it was right around that time that i realized i should stand up for myself and speak out more. i realized i didnt want to be the wallflower that everyone smeared shit on. it was like someone flicked a light switch that made me realize i could just say “fuck this shit!” good girls, as we know, do not swear.

another turning event at this time was my slipping into that school category of ‘goth.’ (not the whiny, mopey, poetry writing kind, but give me a black outfit, some steel-toed boots, and my marilyn manson cds and i was good to go). again, this did not help me align myself with the girls. girls do not wear black or steel-toed boots or listen to manson; thats more of the of stereotypical male metal rocker. of course by the time i was most into this was the time of columbine. with my previous act of violence at school, one person (a male; oh such a straightforward and honest male!) did openly question me about it and if i would do something similar. yeah… girls do not go and commit massive acts of violence at school. not that i would ever do this or even ever thought of it… it just goes to illustrate that those around me were starting to see me more as a male than a female.

by 9th grade, i pretty much had a metaphorical penis. for all intents and purposes, i was square in the middle of ‘one of the guy’ territory. ive been there ever since. i could bemoan how i’m not girly enough. if i cut my hair any shorter, i’m sure i would look like a bull dyke. i try and be more girlish; get my nails done, put on make up, attempt to love clothes shopping, but its just not me. id rather spend my money and time on video games or sci-fi movies.

i am entrenched in ‘one of the guys’ land… i might as well enjoy it: kick back, have a stiff drink and a smoke, be crass, and enjoy the fact that i’m not a silly glittery giggling hyena.