omg! i guess i need to seriously write my congressman and start voting in my general elections as well as my primary, because these people that are in there now are CRAZY!

when i think of light cigarettes, i do not think of healthy. i’m not a dumbass. there is a HUGE difference between light marlboros and regular ones. the regular ones make you’re lungs grow balls, thats how strong they are. i can’t smoke those because they’re just too strong and nasty. i prefer lights. so now what am i going to do? if they get rid of them, i’ll have to move to canada or mexico.. canada might slap on some fug nasty pics of cancerous lungs on their lights, but at least they let you still have you’re light cigarettes.. i’m totally starting to feel like our government is poking its nose too much into the average, everyday citizen’s life.

i’m pissed about this.

it just seems like anything that can go wrong IS going wrong. i just want it all to stop.

me and jim were fighting. then my parents started fighting and the word divorce has come up several times. me and jim are better, but its just majorly stressful around the house now and like waking on glass all of the time (because of my parents, not because of us). its easter and no bunny for jessica i found out the other day i have to do summer classes to make up what i missed for being sick and next falls schedule is going to be rough too. jim wants me to work, but ill just have classes up the ass nonstop. the worst is that they’re intense 3, 5, and 7 week classes (times 7) staggered about so i wont get a break anywhere (i think i have like august and december off for the next year ) with all of the stress, ive forgotten to take my pills. i woke up this morning and could barely see out of my eye. its just dark around the edges and extremely blurry in the middle (it had been just slightly distorted in the middle).

i found a house about two blocks from my parents that i fell in love with. i found it online and loved the pictures. i went and peeked in the windows and loved it. then i went and did a bit of a stupid thing. i was so enamored by the prettyness of the house that i snuck into it (the door was open!) and i looked around. it just made me love it all the more. i immediately thought “i want this to be home.” i’ve called the realtor several times to get a showing (jim hasnt seen it yet and he refuses to go into his own future home like i did) and the realtor wont call me back to schedule a viewing. apparently the realtor is out of phoenix and they just dont seem like they want to come all the way down here to deal with it. i’ve asked jim if he sure he needs to see it; i’m sure they will return our calls if we put in an offer. yes, im ready to buy it. but jim says no; he is “3,000% sure” (his own words!) he has to see a house before he buys it.

i went the other day and bought a picture. i told jim now he has to buy me a house to hang it in.

mmmm escapism. there is nothing like it to forget your troubles.

my heart is heavy and hurts.

yeah, i dont know how to make friends; just closer associates. its 10pm on a friday night and im hiding under my blankets in bed and blogging.

my head hurts.

ever since i got really sick and went into the hospital, ive been so cold. i always use to run a bit on the warm side, but now i just freeze. i get goosebumps in a room where everyone else is perfectly fine and comfortable. i hate being this cold all of the time. i guess it is just something else that i need to bring up with my doctor.

last night was pretty bad and scary. i could feel my brain in my skull and my neck, spine, and head were just throbbing. it was so bad and scary i couldnt help but to just cry. i ended up taking a tramadol last night. i hadnt taken one in weeks. my insurance is still a complete mess and a nightmare, so im just refusing to see / go back to the drs until i get it cleared up. i dont want to add more mess on top of it all. im starting to run low on my one pills and im completely out of another, so i know i need to go soon. i just dont want to go and get yelled at for… i dont even know what… not being better by now?

for some reason, i dream a lot about tornados. this morning i had this dream that i was driving my mom to work, but couldnt get there because there were three huge tornados. because of them, there were massive house fires and the swirling wind just helped to spread the fire from place to place.  then i was home and a neigbors house was completely on engulfed in flame. i knew there was nothing to be done since all of the firemen were already out and battleing other blazes.

all of these websites say they are both representative of anger and rage…  i’m not angry or rage-y. i think ‘m just afraid of fires and tornadoes!

so last monday i took stock and counte 15 major stressors going on at that one day. talk about being sofa king stressed! added to the last blogged about list was the car semi-breaking down and making such a bad first impression on my practicum teacher that she traded me to a different teacher. that was an absolute kick in the balls. *grumbles*  but on a positive note, i now dont have some teacher constantly winking at me and doubting my *every* move and i do get along much better with my practicum 2.2 teacher.  so its a draw i guess.

my eye sight is getting worse. jim still wont call the insurance for me. im patiently waiting for my credit score to hit the ground when i get 50k of hospital debt tacked on to it. two of the three of my main perscriptions have 0 refills on them; i’m not seeing a doctor so i dont add to the insurance bill mess. the b-i-l moved to town. i still cant get a set drive time to my practicum class (some days it takes an hour, some days it takes 40mins). im most likely smoking way too damn much. i need to return my library books but dont have the cash for it (i dont carry any on me and they dont take visa debt!). i have 3more novels to read, an essay to write, and a group project to do solo for my literacy class (the last two are due on thursday and i chose to do a project solo instead of with a group; they all picked crappy subjects).  my science in elementary class starts on tuesday, but the schools website isnt showing the book we’ll need for it. i made a friend, but it seems to be pissing everyone off because i’m no longer at their beck and call. jim got me a new blackberry storm phone; i have 0 ideas on how to use it. i cant turn it off or check my voicemail or anything.  my parents laughed at me when i asked “jim, how do i, you know, use this phone to make a call?” (it just shows a screen with icons; none of them “hit me to call people!” icons. you have to hit the green phone to bring up the key pad image to punch in a phone number to make a call).

-huff-  im busy and im stressed.

things that i’m currently stressing about:

• school
  • am i doing well enough in my classes?
  • crap! i forgot the meeting last wednesday about setting up student teaching. ugh!
• my practicum
  • its nearly an hour drive away. what was i thinking??  my butt will have to be up at 5am to get to school at 7.45
  • i have two squished classes in which to fit an observation and teach a math lesson to kids i dont know on a lesson i wont know in order to get credit for a practical experience component for my class that ends on tuesday.
  • who’s car will i take? i need my own damn car! *grrr*
  • will i be able to fit in 45hrs of time before my class that requires me to do all the time is up?
• health
  • i did some yard work the other day and it killed my back. i think there is too much fluid in there to allow for any little owwie inflammation.  it was some pretty bad pain.
  • my eye sight is getting worse. much worse.  i haven’t been taking my pills right.  it is hard to remember to always carry them with me and to always take one at the right time. its made harder by the fact that half of those time i’m suppose to take it, i’m either sleeping or in school. i hate having to pull out a pill bottle and take it in the middle of class. it is so embarassing.
• family
  • my bil is moving to town. im antsy about the newness and what all that will mean.
  • ive been getting a yearning to nest. i want to go buy a home and have a place we can call “ours” and start spitting out babies.
• friends
  • basically i have few.  i met a nice person in my cohort that im hoping can be a good friend for me. so i’m anxious and stresses on wheither i remember how to make good, close friends instead of just casual associates.
• animals
  • i want a god damn bunny!! i dont know why, but i’ve been overcome with this intense yearning and need for a bunny. its driving me slowly out of my mind. i had a dream before i woke up that i just said “fuck it” and went out and bought me a bunny even though everyone said not to.  they’re so cute and so sweet and there is ALWAYS room for another furry creature.  the above mentioned person works at a pet shop that sells bunnies. she told me they just got some minatures in. brown and white, just like i want.. i plan on getting  a boy and naming him farnsworth. like professor hubert j.